


Invictus

by Chiru



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Emotionally Repressed, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Near Future, Rejection, Slow Build, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-03-26 19:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3861712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chiru/pseuds/Chiru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroo T. » So let me get this straight (gay?)<br/>Kuroo T. » You want me to pretend to be your perfect and fabulous boyfriend, so that your little freckled friend will stop trying to set you up with cute little highschool girls?<br/>Tsukishima Kei » yes<br/>Kuroo T. » Aha.<br/>Tsukishima Kei » you'll do it?<br/>Kuroo T. » I don't know. I missed the part where I get something out of it.<br/>Tsukishima Kei » you get to annoy me. Unfortunately<br/>Kuroo T. » Tempting, Tsukki, very tempting indeed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Surrounded

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to do a fake dating AU too. It got a little out of hand though...  
> ALSO, this is honestly _very_ self-indulgent and with minimal effort put into the writing, so read at own risk, haha~  
>  And since everybody and their cat is using song titles and lyrics as fic/chapter titles, I wanna do that too... So all chapters will randomly be called after whatever song I'm listening to at that moment. It's gonna be epic, and it's not gonna make any sense, but please feel free to pretend it's deep and meaningful. c:
> 
> NOW TRANSLATED IN RUSSIAN: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5897261

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm already seeing somebody, so please stop trying to hook me up.”

“I said I don't care, Yamaguchi.”

How many times had he said this already? Today he'd counted three, but over the last week it was surely a three digit number. Tsukishima was getting bored and so tired with this discussion. He was convinced he would devellop a rash against Yamaguchi's concern, at this rate.

“But Tsukki, are you sure you don't-”

“Yes.” Unwilling to let this drag out any longer he turned on his heel and paced off, trying to look determined and chill rather than pouty and dejected, which he wasn't, okay. It was all in Yamaguchi's mind, he really truly didn't care.

“Well, okay then, see ya tomorrow, Tsukki!” The blond didn't bother with an answer, and didn't turn to see his friend run back to his girlfriend for a fun night out. It's true that Tsukishima didn't care that Yamaguchi and Yachi had gotten together. He was happy for his friend, of course. It didn't mean he necessarily liked being abandoned and left to his own all the time, but that was only natural, right? Yamaguchi had been at his side so persistently for so long, and he'd always thought he kind of hated it, even though he knew perfectly well that was a filthy lie. It annoyed him more that his veil of indiference had been ruined by the disappearance of his friend than that his friend had dissappeared. Which he hadn't, not really. They still hang out a lot, but before they'd hang out _always_ , and Tsukishima had had to kick Yamaguchi from his side if he wanted some alone time, and now... now he just had so much time, he was starting to get a little bored with his music, even... just a little.

Worst was Yamaguchi's concern, really. If he was so worried about leaving his _Tsukki_ alone on the walk back home or on a study-saturday, then he just shouldn't. Or at least stop insisting that he “join us!” or that Yamaguchi was “so sorry to abandone you!”.

Next he'd start trying to pair him up with somebody or something. Pathetic.

\---

He started trying to pair him up with somebody.

It was even more annoying than the apologies and invitation to be a third wheel, even though Tsukishima knew fully well that he too could have fun with them. They weren't painfully clingy, and though a little too hyper for his tastes, Yachi was a nice and friendly girl. She'd seem a little down ever since the senpais had graduated, and even Tsukishima had felt a pang of happiness for her when she brightened after she got together with his best friend. In the end, he just didn't like the idea of going with them on one of their dates because it seemed so... pitiful.

Now he was being invited onto their dates to keep company to some other friend of their manager, and Tsukishima was about to jump out of a window.

“She's really nice, and I asked her and she said dinosaurs are really cool and--”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry Tsukki, but--”

“No buts. I'm going home.”

“Oh, well, maybe next time then?”

He walked off without another word. Yamaguchi's attempts at making him not feel bad over his relationship was the worst thing that happened to their friendship since the relationship itself. Better yet, Yachi's 'appearance' had barely dented it, compared with how enfuriating the matchmaking thing had been. If this didn't stop soon he doesn't know what he'll do.

\---

It doesn't stop, and Tsukishima doesn't know what to do. So he does something stupid.

“Pleaaaase Tsukki, I'm sure you'd like her, and--”

“I'm already with somebody.”

Yamaguchi blinks, perplexed. “What.”

“I'm already seeing somebody, so please stop trying to hook me up.”

Yamaguchi is still blinking a lot, his mouth dropping open a little. It looks ridiculous, and for a split second Tsukishima wonders if showing this face to Yachi would make her break up with him. He shakes his head at the thought. It's not actually like he wants them apart: it seems to be making them both very happy, disgustingly so. No, he just wants them to leave him out of it.

“Who?” Yamaguchi seems to be restricted to single word questions, and Tsukishima would snort at his friend's simplemindedness and inability to deal, but he's kind of busy letting his own mouth drop open at that. He hadn't actually planned on this claim, and didn't really have, like, a proper planned alibi ready or anything...

“What?” He answers, to buy himself some time.

“Who is it? Do I know her? Why didn't you tell me?” Yamaguchi seems to be recovering from the shock as Tsukishima settles into his, and his eyes are shining, his body seeming to vibrate with some kind of happy eagerness that pisses him off only because it reminds him of Hinata.

“It's not a girl.” He grumbles as an answer, before he realizes what he is saying. He'd been trying so hard to deny that it was part of his irritation at the blind double dates, and now all his hard work and effort has been annihilated with a single line. Sometimes he is so incredibly stupid, he wonders if all the volleyball is starting to affect his brain. And by volleyball he means his teammates, obviously, not the sport itself, which had no fault.

Yamaguchi is silent as his eyes near popped out of his skull and his cheeks glow red. “Wh- what?”

“I'm not dating a girl.” Tsukishima mumbles a repeat, a little blush rising to his own cheeks.

“Oh my god...” Yamaguchi looks struck, his mouth hanging open and his cheeks still ablaze. For a moment something clenches in Tsukishima's guts, a type of anxiety he'd faced before when thinking of coming out with this fact, but never felt when thinking of Yamaguchi. He never doubted that he'd accept, and it drives chills up and down his spine when he sees in front of him the reality of rejection.

And then Yamaguchi bends at the waist and bows a perfect 90 degrees and Tsukishima has to blink the burn out of his eyes when he finally computes the words his friend is saying:

“OH GOD TSUKKI I AM SO SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW I'M SO SO SORRY--”

He seems to be sniffling, and Tsukishima can't keep the smile from stretching his face. Desperate to put his friend out of his misery though, he puts a hand on Yamaguchi's shoulder and drags him back up. Surely, there are tears in his eyes and his chest is bouncing in little upset hiccups. Their eyes meet but the freckled friends seems to not see the forgiving smile in them. “I'm so so so- so sorry Tsukki! I didn't know, I never m-meant to-- I'm so sorry!”

It's an impulse thing, and will probably never happen again, but Tsukishima pulls Yamaguchi into his arms and hugs him. It's nice, in a kind of let's-only-rarely-ever-do-this-again kind of way, and Tsukishima lets his best friend cling to him until he's calmed down.

He finally pulls away, but is clearly not done apologizing just yet. “I'm so sorry, Tsukki, really, I-”

“It's ok.” The rare smile is still on his lips, and sloppily Yamaguchi attempts a smile back.

“Gods, I'm so embarrassed... why didn't you tell me you didn't like girls, Tsukki?”

A shrug is the only answer he can give, and the only he offers up too. Yamaguchi cleans his face on his sleeve and tries for another smile- or rather, this is more of a grin, really. “Well, who is it?”

“What?” It takes Tsukishima a moment to remember how this conversation got where it was, and then he shakes his head. “Oh, just... somebody.”

Yamaguchi looks like he wants to press on, but decides to let it slide, a small happy smile on his lips. He calls off Yachi, and walks home with his Tsukki. It's nice, and they don't talk about it anymore.

Finally, it's over.

\---

It's not over.

Three days. Three days was how long the peace lasted before Yamaguchi started, each time less subtly, badgering him about who his boyfriend was, and when he was going to get to meet him, and if he'd ever be willing to go on a real double date and so on and so on.

It's slowly driving Tsukishima nuts. It feels far more real than any of the attempts of setting him up with a nice girl, and somehow it makes Tsukishima feel kind of bad. He doesn't want a relationship, not actually, but... he doesn't really know what the but is. Perhaps it's the desire to have somebody else to fill that time Yamaguchi leaves empty. He doesn't really know. But he does know he needs a plan, needs a claim, needs somebody to personify this “boyfriend” or his best friend will never drop his case. He only wishes it wasn't all out of the best intent. He can't even get angry at Yamaguchi for all of this...

They're walking home together, and Yamaguchi is extra chipper. It's a little irritating.

“The new Jurassic park movie is coming out soon.”

Tsukishima doesn't deign that with an answer. Like he doesn't know that.

“What about going with your boyfriend and--”

“Please stop.”

“What, Tsukki, I just want to--”

“No. Stop.”

“At least tell me his name, Tsukki...”

Tsukishima had given this some thought. And came out mostly blank. He couldn't think of anyone that'd be willing to cover for him... unless it meant subjecting himself to embarrassment beyond believe. He knew some that might be up for an opportunity to have something to hold over his head for the rest of their lives. It was starting to sound almost appealing. Then again, Tsukishima wasn't stupid. If he gave Yamaguchi a name, it'd only be the end of THAT nagging...

“C'mon, Tsukki, pleaaaasee!”

So help him god. “It's Kuroo.” He should've probably contacted him before he came out with this, but whatever. He could always do it later. He didn't doubt that Kuroo would be willing to play along.

“K-Kuroo?” Yamaguchi seemed incapable of processing this, and Tsukishima didn't know if that was because he was too perplexed at suddenly getting an answer after nagging about it for ages, or if it was because of the name. His freckled friend shook his head and blinked twice. “Like, Nekoma's Kuroo?”

Tsukishima sighed, already dreading his choice. “The one and only.”

Against all odds, a little smile sprang onto Yamaguchi's lips. “That's great, Tsukki. Somehow that makes so much sense...” He stares at his sneakers, and Tsukki's neck-hairs stand up at the sight of the happy indulgent quirk of the other's lips. He also wonders what the hell that's supposed to mean. “I'm happy for you, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima almost feels bad for lying to his friend at that moment. It's quickly forgotten once Yamaguchi starts his avalanche of questions about their relationship and sketching up plans for them to all get together.

Things can't get any worse, can they.

\---

Of course things get worse.

 **Kuroo T. »**  So let me get this straight (gay?)  
**Kuroo T. »** You want me to pretend to be your perfect and fabulous boyfriend, so that your little freckled friend will stop trying to set you up with cute little highschool girls?  
**Tsukishima Kei »** yes  
**Kuroo T. »** Aha.  
**Tsukishima Kei »** you'll do it?  
**Kuroo T. »**  I don't know. I missed the part where I get something out of it.  
**Tsukishima Kei »** you get to annoy me. Unfortunately  
**Kuroo T. »** Tempting, Tsukki, very tempting indeed.  
**Tsukishima Kei »** you'll do it or what?  
Kuroo T. » You know I can't resist helping a fair maiden in peril. Consider me your knight in shining armour!  
**Tsukishima Kei »** fml  
**Kuroo T. »** So, what's the plan. Do we go facebook official?  
**Tsukishima Kei »** I hate facebook  
**Kuroo T. »** But babe, it was what brought us together! Without facebook our love would have stayed a far off concept, only a butterfly's wing flap away from inexistance!  
**Tsukishima Kei »**  I changed my mind  
**Kuroo T. »**  Poor Tsukki. Am I not the prince you wanted?  
**Tsukishima Kei »**  you're a fucking dragon  
**Kuroo T. »**  Love you too.  
**Kuroo T. »**  But now seriously. Tell me what you've said so far so we can get our stories straight. If we're gonna fake date, we'll have the best fucking fake romance ever. I will settle for nothing less.  
**Tsukishima Kei »**  I'm doomed

It's two in the morning on a schoolday when Tsukishima finally manages to turns off his laptop, and he's exhausted. Strangely enough though, he feels like he could fall into a worriless sleep. Kuroo was the right choice in this sense. Sure it burned his whole night, but they have a firm plan in place, a whole background established, even a few personal details exchanged for “veracity's sake”, as Kuroo put it. It was kind of nice, actually, teasing aside.

He goes to bed knowing this will work out okay. Laying under his warm blanket he thought about how surprising it was that Kuroo wrote, capitalized and punctuated all his messages decently. His phone whistled, warning him of a text, and he snorted into his pillow after reading.

 **Unknown:**  
> make sure 2 save m nmbr! gn8

\---

Tsukishima didn't have a decent night of sleep until the weekend arrived. Kuroo pestered him into adding him on skype too, and the former captain has become completely unavoidable. They've talked until the am hours every day ever since Kuroo accepted Tsukishima's plan, and it's been strangely entertaining. Kuroo laughed his ass off when Tsukishima accepted that the alternative to him was Bokuto, and the blond knows it's not completely unwarranted. He only became annoyed when he was video-called an hour later, and said Bokuto appeared at Kuroo's side, whining and pouting as if rejected.

He later learned that Bokuto already has a boyfriend actually, and for a moment he's shell shocked.

“But you. You don't actually have somebody, right?” He asks at the Kuroo on his screen. He doesn't know why he hasn't ended the call yet, but it's not as annoying as he thought it'd be.

“Pfft, you're a bit late with that, aren't you?” Kuroo grins, and Tsukishima gives him the flattest stare back. “Nah, I'm all yours Tsukki, don't worry.”

“Good,” Tsukishima huffs, and Kuroo grins back. (He doesn't want the imagine the potential drama if otherwise had been true. This was still, after all, a strategy to make his life _easier_ , and misunderstood love triangles did not in any way or form qualify as _easy_.)

By the time the next week starts, Yamaguchi is again curious. Tsukishima has it all mapped out, knows all the right answers (except something here or there, but it doesn't raise Yamaguchi's suspicions that he doesn't know whether Kuroo ever went to disneyland and what exactly he is studying) and after strange long walks and time spent talking about significant others (which is more entertaining than it'd ever be if it were the truth), Yamaguchi returns to a topic Tsukishima wished, but knew wouldn't be that easily forgotten.

“We could go watch Jurassic World next weekend...”

“Sure.”

“Do you think Kuroo-san will be able to come over?” Well fuck. It's not like Tsukishima truly believed that wouldn't come up next, but he'd hoped, okay?

He sighed. “I don't know. Isn't it exam time soon or so?”

“Tsukki! Don't be mean like that, just ask him!”

“Fine, fine.”

He's surprised, later that day, when Kuroo logs onto skype, that he actually asks the question.

 **Kuro as my soul:** A date with Tsukki? Finally, for real?  
**Tsukishima Kei:** Yamaguchi wont shut up about it. I think he'll drop it if we do it once  
**Kuro as my soul:**  Wow, Tsukki, I don't do it on a first date, who do you think I am?  
**Tsukishima Kei:** Kuroo Tetsurou.  
**Kuro as my soul:**  Ouch. Well, fine, when?

He could barely believe this was actually being agreed to. They'd actually have a double date and Yamaguchi would finally stop badgering him. Though, admittedly, he'd gotten a lot better at letting Tsukishima be since he'd come forth with a name. Tsukishima tries to ignore how it might have something to do with him actually having somebody to fill the time. Kuroo's texting is horrible, compared to his typing, but he says he doesn't have the patience for phone's sorry excuses for a writing system, and Tsukishima can kind of get where he is coming from. He always answers, though, and Tsukishima only pretends to be answering a text half the time he wants Yamaguchi to stop looking at him pitifully- the other half he has actual stuff to answer. It's not always Kuroo, but... it pretty much is.

Kuroo is also notably easier to put up with when he's not so in one's face. Also, when Bokuto is not around. They are often together, though they don't room together, and Kuroo seems to get that much more annoying when his friend is with him. Tsukishima likes Bokuto, well enough at least, and definitely looks up to him in volleyball, but can't say he likes the effect he has on his not-boyfriend. The strangest part of this revelation was really the idea that he liked talking with Kuroo otherwise.

 **Kuro as my soul:**  Tsukkiiiiiiiii, wheeeeeeeheeeeeeeeennnn  
**Tsukishima Kei:**  how's next weekend?  
**Kuro as my soul:**  Good. I have a paper to give in on monday though, but I should have it done before the weekend.  
**Tsukishima Kei:**  we can postpone if you want  
**Tsukishima Kei:**  what do you study, actually?  
**Kuro as my soul:**  Nah, I'm good.  
**Kuro as my soul:**  Modern Literature.  
**Kuro as my soul:**  What time is the movie?

Suddenly Kuroo's proper typing makes sense to him, and his random purple prose all falls in place. He snorts at the ridiculous uselessness of it, and stores the info away case Yamaguchi asks again.  
It's about halfway through Kuroo trying to figure out schedules that Tsukishima's conscience wakes up. He is making Kuroo come all the way over here to Miyagi just to watch a movie with him on a weekend before a big assignment delivery. What kind of moron would agree to that?

 **Kuro as my soul:**  Last train back is at about 10 though.  
**Tsukishima Kei:**  I'll pay for your ticket  
**Kuro as my soul:**  How far is it from the cinema to the station?  
**Kuro as my soul:**  what  
**Kuro as my soul:**  What what WHAT  
**Tsukishima Kei:**  it's not fair for you to spend money on the shinkansen, so I'll pay  
**Kuro as my soul:**  I'll have you know that I have a part time job. Your parents don't need to pay my ride.  
**Tsukishima Kei:**  fuck you, I don't want to owe you any more than I already do  
**Kuro as my soul:**  Just pay my movie ticket then, like a good date, huhm?  
**Tsukishima Kei:**  fu

He tries, but in the end is derailed again and again. The conversation ends with Kuroo laughing so loud about the movie they'll be watching that Tsukishima feels he can hear it.

He almost blocks the asshole from his skype, regretting every choice he's ever made.

\---

He kind of wishes he'd blocked Kuroo from his skype, because at least then he'd know why he's not showing up online. It's 10pm on a thursday night and Tsukishima is bored. Normally he'd be getting ready for bed, grumbling to himself about having to wake up early for practice. But he's gotten so used to talking to Kuroo before going to bed, it feels strange for him to not be there. He's a little annoyed when he finally turns the computer off and stuffs himself into bed, having heard nothing off the other in what feels like ages.

He wakes up in what looks like the middle of the night, and it is. His phone, which he'd apparently left next to his pillow, rattled him with it's annoying whistle, and when he blearily looks at the screen he has two messages, both received at 3:49.

 **Kuroo:**  
> wrk al finishd! Redi 4 tsukiworld~!  
> gn8!

He snorts, but most certainly doesn't turn around and fall asleep with a stupid grin on his face.

\---

He'd turned around and fallen asleep with a fucking smile on his face, and Tsukishima thinks he might have a problem. He's not entirely sure what the problem is, exactly, but he's certain something is wrong. It's friday lunch hour and he's sitting with almost the whole volleyball club outside in the grass.

He's anxious. He's nervous, nearly dreading the weekend. He can see Yamaguchi send him questioning gazes, but ignores his friend. He's grateful, now more than ever, that Yamaguchi accepted and respected his wish to not tell the whole world about his pretend relationship. Even if Tsukishima is pretty certain Hinata and Kageyama are not as platonic as they want to make everybody believe, and their former captain and vice-captain were as good as married, he still doesn't want to put his sexuality out there. The less any of these idiots know about him, the better, by his books.

Yamaguchi manages to hold his questions during lunch, but latches onto him the moment they all part and walk home after practice. “What's up, Tsukki?”

“I don't feel like this weekend.” He admits, in a moment of weakness. It's been so long since he spoke the truth with Yamaguchi. He's gotten tired of lying and watching his every move... it wasn't like he was the most open person before, but if he could be honest with anybody, it was his best friend. Perhaps he should just come clean and forget about the whole thing...

Who is he kidding, he knows he'd never be able to face the disappointment in Yamaguchi's face if he did that. Damn, he's fucked, isn't he...

“Why? We- we don't have to do the double date, you know, if you just want to spend time with Kuroo-san...”

“That's not it. I...” He pauses, then grits out, before he can change his mind, “I'm nervous.”

“Oh... well, Tsukki, you know,” Yamaguchi fidgets with his bag strap, and Tsukishima starts to think that whatever will come out of his mouth next couldn't possibly be anything good, “you don't have to, like, do anything you don't want... I mean, just because he's older doesn't mean... euhmmm...”

Tsukishima stares at Yamaguchi, and Yamaguchi stares back, cheeks red but eyes determined to pass whatever message he's trying to transmit. It takes the blond a moment to realize what is being said, and when it finally computes his eyes blow big.

“What, no, why, oh my god, no no no. No.” He shakes his head and almost wants to cover his ears with music to blur this whole thing out. He did not just say that. No. Just. No way.

“I'm sorry, I'm just saying, Tsukki!! I can imagine that him staying the night might feel like a lot of pressure but--”

“What?! He's not staying, why would he stay?!”

Then it's Yamaguchi's turn to pause and stare. “Well. Euhm. He's coming all the way from Tokyo right. In the weekend, so he can stay. You-- I mean. Oh. I just. I thought. Sorry Tsukki!!”

It's only then that Tsukishima goes red. He's embarrassed, because it should've been obvious. More than offering a train ticket, he should've been offering a bed and a meal. His brother's room is empty most of the time anyway, and they have extra futons, and he's sure his parents would only be happy if he had a friend over.

“I'm so sorry Tsukki, I really didn't mean to-”

“It's ok.” He says, but stomps off angrily anyway. He'll tell Yamaguchi that it wasn't him he was angry with tomorrow. There is something he desperately needs to be doing now.

He gets home, goes to his room, puts his headphones on at high volume and grabs a book. He doesn't touch his laptop for the whole night, and ignores his phone every time it whistles.

After dinner he finally looks at the text's he's received. He sends a curt confirmation Kuroo's way, and goes to bed early, determined to ignore his mistake, and the revelation that he wants to correct it.


	2. Sequence of Events

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Good, get all the hate out of your system now, because I will be putting an arm around your chair, and unless you want your cover blown, you'd better not shake it off too disgustedly.”

He's at the train station, waiting for Kuroo to arrive, and he's so nervous it almost hurts. Tsukishima doesn't know why, doesn't want to know, but he feels anxious and awkward all over. Kuroo missed the connection in Sendai, which made him arrive half an hour later than planned. He'll still be in time for the movie, but their chance to talk and get comfortable with the pretend in person is gone. If they hurry, they might even still catch the previews. Tsukishima isn't sure if he'll be able to forgive the fake boyfriend that missed his connection because he had to help an “oldlady ctch hr dog” if they miss anything of the actual movie. (And he's not sure if it's the saddest thing he ever heard, the cutest, or just the worst lie for having gotten lost at a train station ever.)

He sees the train coming, and his stomach's trying to crawl it's way out of his body. He takes a deep breath and reminds himself for the ten thousand's time that he's being completely ridiculous. He's not even sure what he's afraid of? He just doesn't want Yamaguchi to find out he's been lying... and, well, he hasn't actually seen Kuroo since the spring tournament last year. And they'd never really hung out casually before that either. It's almost as if he's meeting an internet friend for the first time. Which would mean that somewhere in the last weeks he'd started to think of the student as a friend, but that's stupid. He hadn't.

Kuroo Tetsurou and Tsukishima Kei were something, but not friends.

The train slows down and stops, and people start pouring out. Tsukishima looks through the masses without trying to be too obvious, not wanting to look too interested, and he keeps his headphones on when he spots the tall messy haired student. Kuroo grins at him from a distance, and Tsukishima keeps his face as straight as he can, answering with a nod. He turns off his music and pulls back his phones when Kuroo stands right in front of him.

“Hey. So, do we need to run...?”

“Only if you really want to see the trailers.”

“Nothing there youtube doesn't have too.” He smirks again, and Tsukishima wonders what he'd been so worried about. Kuroo seemed to make a sport of riling Tsukishima up without intending to, only to then sooth him almost as effortlessly. He's very grateful for this casual start of their “date”, though he won't say it, of course.

As they walk in big steps, Kuroo sighs wistfully. “You know, I've known Bokuto for over 6 years now.”

“Huhm?”

“And yet, the strangest thing I've ever done was suggested by you.” He smirks widely at his companion, and Tsukishima scolds back at him. “Who'd have thought, right?”

“Fuck you.” He deadpans back as well as he can. But that's... a strange reality check. This whole thing is ridiculous, isn't it. How the hell did he ever think it was a good idea? Clearly Yamaguchi's worries and persistence had driven him mad, that's the only answer.

“Good, get all the hate out of your system now, because I will be putting an arm around your chair, and unless you want your cover blown, you'd better not shake it off too disgustedly.”

Tsukishima snorts at this, more entertained that he really should be. He likes how Kuroo already predicted his reaction though, and how he doesn't asks for it to be allowed just to be “let down” gently. It's so absurd it almost makes him laugh, and he shakes his head, a little smile threatening to spill onto his lips.

“You know, I considered doing theatre once. I was the best Urashima Tarou my middle school had ever seen.”

“I don't doubt you for a second.”

Kuroo grins again, and somehow Tsukishima is suddenly convinced, beyond a doubt, that this whole thing is alright, that they'll pull it off perfectly, and that everything will somehow, magically, go awesome.

\---

They pull it off perfectly. It's uncanny how well the evening goes.

Kuroo and Tsukishima arrived just as the last trailer finished, and though Yachi seemed a little intimidated, Kuroo was surprisingly good at seeming harmless. Yamaguchi was more thrown off pace than her, but Tsukishima wasn't too concerned with that once the movie started.

When Kuroo placed the promised arm over his seat, Tsukishima took it as a dare, and did nothing to remove it, despite the giggle he heard from Yachi's side. When he looks at his date's face a little later, he's staring at the screen with a soft smile, and he doesn't give him much more attention once the movie really gets going.

Afterwards they all go get ice cream, Kuroo's treat. Tsukishima tries to object, but his brain short-circuits when he's gently nudged towards the table by a warm hand on the small of his back.

The parfaits are great, and Kuroo grins near maliciously when Yamaguchi starts about his Tsukki's liking of strawberries. It's unsettling how well Kuroo manages to fake interest for every bit of information his best friend offers about him, and his whine about “Tsukki not being open enough” would have fooled anybody that didn't know it was an act.

It's great to see Yamaguchi so happy: he looks like he has everything he ever wanted. Almost Tsukishima feels like it was a good idea after all. Maybe he should indulge his best friend into being the third wheel on their dates more often...

Nah.

“Kuroo-san, can I borrow your phone?”

“Huhm? Sure, why?”

“Oh, can I have your number?”

Well, Tsukki didn't care how or why. If Yamaguchi wants Kuroo's number that was fine. He just wants Kuroo to not have his phone on him for the next 15 minutes.

He forgot about the clock hanging behind him on the establishment's wall though.

“Sorry guys, I had a lot of fun, but I need to get going else I'll miss the last train back.”

“Aww...” Yachi looks the most heartbroken of all, and Yamaguchi grins so happily, as if his girlfriend liking his best friend's boyfriend was the most important and most magical gift he'd ever gotten.

“We can stay a little longer.” Tsukishima interrupts, trying to glare Kuroo back into his seat.

“I really can't miss this train though, Tsukki. The next is only in an hour and then the last shinkansen will have passed.”

“It's ok, we'll make it.” He insists, and Kuroo frowns at him, then shrugs and slumps back into his seat, sagging slightly against Tsukishima.

Ten minutes later they all leave the boot and say goodbye. Tsukishima is tempted to believe everybody as they say they had a great time, even if it seems impossible.

They take up a casual stroll, and once they've separate from the other two, Kuroo asks, trying to sounds as indifferent as possible. “So, what's the plan?”

“How so?”

“The train leaves in 3 minutes and I'm pretty sure it'll take us at least 10 to get to the station even if we run. So. Whats up.”

A deep breath to fuel his most deadpan of voices. “It's come to my attention that it'd be an asshole move to make you go home now. So you can stay the night if you want to.”

“How very kind of you. Not that I have a choice now that you made me miss my train, but still, very kind.”

“Tch. Shut up.”

Surprisingly Kuroo does, but the grin he wears all the way back to Tsukishima's drives the blond near mad.

\---

It infuriates Kei further when his parents are easily charmed by the successful university student, nearly glowing of joy at this new friend of his and what is indubitably his greatly positive influence. It's normal that university students can't do wrong with parents, and he's not actually as annoyed about it as he pretends to be.

Akiteru is with his girlfriend, for a change, and his mom goes upstairs to change his bed for Kuroo while his dad pesters the both of them about studies, not so subtly asking Kuroo to help Kei whenever he can, and to convince him that university is the right choice. As if Kei ever doubted that.

When his mom returns to the kitchen to tell them Kuroo's bed is ready, she nags at his father for keeping the boys stuck there, and ushers Kei to give Kuroo a tour of the house, obviously about to call him out on being a bad host. Kei shrugs, not impressed, and subdues a yawn. He'd been stressing over nothing this whole day, and it had worn him out. Now that he no longer needed to pretend, he was ready to fall into bed and sleep away his Sunday. He's not the type to disrespect his parents, though, and dutifully rises from his chair, calling along Kuroo for the grand tour.

Once out of hearing reach, Kuroo breaks their silence. “Wow, I'm shocked.”

“What?”

“Considering you're such a sourpuss, I didn't imagine your parents to be so... nice!”

“Considering you're a total asshole, I'm not surprised you'd think that.”

Kuroo beams back at him, as if a mean reply was all he'd been wanting the whole night. He shrugs, and they fall back to silence as they overlook the backyard.

“You got a volleyball?”

“No.”

And Kei drags them back inside, to showcase Akiteru's room, where Kuroo would be sleeping, the door to his parent's, the upstairs bathroom and finally... “This is my room.” He says as they stand in front of the last closed door.

“Is it a realm of magic wonder? Would you have to kill me if I ever ventured inside it?”

“Yes.”

“Would your dinosaurs eat me if I were to lay my eyes on it's endless beauty? Or perhaps, Tsukki... you're a messy person?!”

“I hate you so much. Good night.” He turns and disappears into the room, not giving Kuroo a chance to slip in too, though he doesn't seem to be putting any honest effort into it anyway.

He knows he's made the right choice, somehow.

\---

He made the worst choice ever.

Kuroo woke him up by throwing a volleyball against the back of his head. It's about 9 on a sunday morning and Kuroo. Woke him up. With a volleyball. To the head.

“Good morning sunshine! Breakfast is ready! Also, isn't it funny, your brother had a volleyball in his room. What a coincidence! I suppose I'll have to teach you some receiving tricks then, since it never really was your forte...”

Tsukishima has the only rational reaction to this wake-up call: He flips Kuroo off and turns back around, pulling his pillow over his head. “Go away.”

Of course Kuroo doesn't. He seems to interpret the comment as an invitation to sit on Kei's bed and continue his ramblings. “I was expecting some more personality, honestly. Where are the rest of your dinosaur figures hidden? Where are all the obscure band posters? What do you do with your dirty laundry?”

“It's called a hamper.” He grumbles into his mattress. He's starting to come to terms with the fact that this is happening, that there is no way to avoid it, and that he brought it on himself.

He must be some sort of sadist.

Tsukishima manages to get Kuroo out of his room with the promise of being down in 5 minutes. Kuroo walks off promising to come back with a bucket of water in 6.

Kei is in the kitchen in 4, and they have a lazy breakfast, Kei pointedly ignoring the ball Kuroo subtly keeps on pushing against his feet under the table. His mom notices though, and only smiles happily at them. It kind of grosses Kei out how enthusiastic his parents are with him having somebody besides Yamaguchi over. They never did completely believe him when he said he did have friends besides the freckled boy, even if he rather he hadn't. (The last part he kept from them, of course.)

Kuroo allows him only a few minutes of peace before physically dragging him off to play ball in the backyard. It's boring, even if Kuroo tries to make it seem like it isn't. Kei indulges his guest for half an hour before offering a list of alternative activities, in which half of the topics involved Kuroo leaving and/or minding his own business.

The messy haired man (Kei shouldn't have been surprised to see the hair not any more tamed than the day before) takes all comments in stride and finally brightens at the suggestion to go explore town. He'd not gotten to see much yesterday, and though Kei insisted that was because there _wasn't_ much to see, Kuroo still drapes an arm around his shoulders and starts pretend-reminiscing about the Tsukishima childhood memories or so. Kei halfheartedly shrugs the arm off and rolls his eyes at the other's faux heartbroken expression.

They walk around the town for little more than an hour, sitting by the river, skipping stones, staring at kids playing with Kuroo doing ridiculous voice-overs. The blonde contributes here and there, and before they knew it they each had their own kids to voice, and most of the talk is an exchange of insults between them, completely unrelated to the children, only vaguely timed with the yells of the brats in the distance. It is actually sort of kind of fun, Tsukishima guesses.

At the park they run into the volleyball morons, and Kuroo is impossible to drag away (both due to Hinata's desperate clinging and Kuroo's unwillingness to leave. Kageyama's determined glares play no part in Tsukishima's decision to allow the fanatics a moment to play). They draw a line in the earth. Kuroo or Tsukishima would serve, the other would recieve, Kageyama would set to Hinata and the server would jump to block. It is pointless without a net, but there is barely any bitching about whether a spike would or would not have gone over, nor does anybody seem to care whether a successful spike would have been in or out of the court. Unsurprisingly, all his companions seem satisfied enough with this, and Kuroo is in full senpai-mode, offering more hints and pointers than Tsukishima really wants, while Hinata keeps begging for more. He indulges them for a while, but it didn't take long before the blond got bored with it. Luckily (or not), when Tsukishima got completely fed up with Kuroo's fifth “just one more” and just walked off, Kuroo followed after a quick farewell to the other two.

They are chased by calls and whines for a few metres, and Tsukishima only speaks up when the callbacks finally cease.

“Don't tell them.”

“Sorry?”

“That we're not-dating.”

“Oh! Don't worry Tsukki, as far as they care we're just the best of buddies!”

The obnoxious hug that followed received an elbow in the guts as reply, and even Kuroo had to accept that was somewhat deserved.

Upon return to the Tsukishima household they check the train schedules and Kuroo packs his non-existent stuff. After lunch he says goodbye to Kei's parents, and together they walk to the station.

Guiltily, Kei is incredibly happy that Kuroo had himself taken the initiative to leave. He'd never quite gotten the hang of being nice about telling people to leave once they'd overstayed their welcome, and he wanted to stay on Kuroo's good side, partially because of the lie, but also because he appreciated the other's virtual company. Physical company, not as much, but couldn't quite say he outright hated it either.

“Well, Tsukki, thank you for your hospitality,” Kuroo begins as they stand on the platform, the train scheduled to arrive in 4 minutes. “I hope my services were satisfactory. Please keep sponsoring Kuroo's Boyfriend Company.”

“It was. Thanks.” He sounds dry, and hopes Kuroo will be able to see he is, deep down, genuinely thankful. “Sorry to make you come all the way over here.”

Kuroo waves the comment off. “It was nothing. I actually had a good time. I never got to hang that much with little Yama and Yachi-chan back in the training camp days. Don't resist too much if they try to schedule a repeat, okay babe?” He winks, and Tsukishima rolls his eyes.

“You would seriously come all the way over here just to hang out with some highschoolers again?” He deadpans, recognizing the foul smell of empty promises. And yet, Kuroo frowns at him, completely serious.

“I was one just last year. I didn't suddenly become too good for you, Tsukki.”

Somehow this answer flusters Tsukishima a little. He's not sure what about it feels so true, or more like a truth's rejected, but he doesn't want to look into it either. He shrugs. “I'm just saying it's a lot of time and money to put into a favour.”

Kuroo's laugh sounded mirthless to Kei's ears, but something shines in his eyes none the less.

“I'm not doing this as a favour to you. It might be a foreign concept to the almighty Tsukishima Kei, but us mere mortals actually take enjoyment from interacting with people we like.”

“Like?” Kei frowns, battling another involuntary blush.

Kuroo shrugs, and the train approaches. “I was actually happy to hear from you, Tsukki. You always seemed like an interesting guy, and with so much potential. It makes me happy to see you actually enjoying volleyball.” He smiles, and Tsukishima feels cold. There is something odd and patronizing about those words, and Tsukishima doesn't like it.

“Your train.” He says, nodding at the incoming vehicle.

“Ait,” the strange smile merges back into a grin, and Kuroo, the embarrassing fuck, makes a bow. “Then, fair prince, I bid you farewell. Call upon me again, may the need be dire!”

“I hate you so so much.”

“Love you too. Bye!”

“Bye."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~(forgive me for this is bad)~~  
>  Clearly, chapter size will not be consistent! 8D This one is smaller than the first one, and the next will be even smaller! I'm gonna try to update every week though, so this is a precaution so I don't lose my buff while I don't feel like writing, haha~


	3. Catastrophe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Tsukishima Kei:** I hope you get a papercut

Kageyama and Hinata and all of the first years are raging jealous when, by Monday, the whole club knows that Tsukishima is friends with the former captain of Nekoma who won the Best Middle Blocker award in his third year. They're all over him with questions and requests and, knowing he was his mentor, suddenly everybody wants his advice. The attention, no matter what other may think, is unwanted.

He's just happy that word about their dating status isn't out. And he's for a moment glad that Suga has graduated already, and nobody near-psychic has joined the team since, seen that Yamaguchi and Yachi's proud smiles in his direction whenever Kuroo is mentioned are far from inconspicuous.  
Privately, the couple gushes over how great the date was and how they should totally do it again-- “assuming Kuroo-san wasn't bored or so? Was he? Oh gods I hope we didn't bore him?!”

With a sigh, Tsukishima does as his not-boyfriend told him to (he feels like he owes him, somehow). “He had a fine time, said he wouldn't mind a repeat. BUT,” he added before the other two threw a party and started overheating from excitement, “he's a university student, so it's not like he can come over whenever you want or so, okay?”

Yachi giggles a little, mumbling something about projecting, while Yamaguchi nods eagerly. “Of course, yeah! Oh man, Tsukki, that must be so hard on you...”

“Ugh...”

Yachi fiddles a little before offering her own input without smart-ass remarks. “What about inviting him over to the next game? And our training camp will be at Nekoma's, you could meet up then too, he won't have to travel all the way here!”

Tsukishima almost corrects her about the lack of doubledates planned into that, but is glad to catch on to his mistake before he does. He's not supposed to be doing this for them, but for himself: they're trying to help him with the issues of his alleged long-distance relationship. For a moment he's not sure if he should feel flattered, but then annoyance sets in. He doesn't know where it comes from.

“Maybe, yeah.” Is all he offers as a reply before they part.

\---

Being together had become good again.

Yamaguchi was finally proper and thoroughly done with being on his case, and Tsukishima absolutely relished in the peace and quiet that had yet again taken over his life now that the nagging was gone. He did occasionally receive a well-intended suggestion or question about “how things were going”, but usually it didn't require much development before it could be abandoned.

Kuroo and him talked as before without any awkwardness after their first “date”, and that came as a kind of relief to Tsukishima. He'd grown more attached to the other's boy's presence on his laptop and phone than he'd be willing to accept.

He'd also gotten Bokuto's number- or rather, given his own after the former owl wouldn't stop whining about it for a good 14 minutes, long enough for even Kuroo to walk off and let them sort it out on their own and to “give a call when you're doing being 5 years old, I'll be over here doing something useful with my time”.  
Bokuto was a sporadic texter, somebody that would badger you ever minute on one day, and then not answer anything for days on end. Somehow this didn't bother Tsukishima at all- it was expected, and he didn't really want anything from Bokuto, so why should he care? So he didn't, and he'd manage to occasionally have alright chats with the man too. He wasn't much less obnoxious in writing as he was in person (his text-spelling was even worse than Kuroo's, and littered with random emoticons), but he did show a serious side a lot more often than Tsukishima had ever thought possible. They talked about volleyball, and had an in-dept discussion about Bokuto's somewhat surprisingly intense struggle with the idea of going pro. Apparently he'd tried to drag Kuroo along, and he'd mostly laughed in his face.

Kuroo of course insisted that he'd laughed at the idea of himself as a professional, not his owl-friend, and claimed he had made that perfectly clear at the time too... to be truthful, nobody was really surprised that Bokuto twisted a few facts here and there for narrative's sake.

All in all, life had fallen into a new, but not unpleasant rhythm that Tsukishima found himself satisfied with. He still stayed up late talking on skype with Kuroo more often than not, but they no longer spent any time actively planning or making up covers for their dating status. There was easy and casual conversation, the occasional insult battles and snark matches, and even a reoccurring amount of offered help and guidance. Tsukishima had always suspected it, and Kuroo did in fact turn out to be a smart and reasonable guy. He offered advice more often than he needed to, perhaps, but he claimed it was because he cared.

He'd said it was because they were friends, “right?”, and Tsukishima had given a non-commital answer. He wasn't sure. He just “supposed so”.

But something twisted uncomfortably in the depths of Tsukishima's stomach at a knowledge he acquired on an otherwise tranquil Thursday afternoon after practice.

“Tsukki, is your phone out of battery?”

With a frown Tsukishima looked up from his drink and stared at his best friend, who had his phone in hand.

“Yeah, I forgot to turn off the music after lunch, so it ran out.”

Yamaguchi nodded and typed something on his phone before stuffing the thing back in a pocket. When he offered no further explanation, Tsukishima just growled in his direction.

“Uhm? Ah, sorry Tsukki, Kuroo-san just asked why you weren't answering.”

“Kuroo.”

“Yes?”

“Why is he texting you?” Tsukishima lifted an eyebrow, but felt a frown eager to climb onto his face. No no no, he didn't not like this idea at all, this better not mean what he thought it meant-

“Because your phone is off...?”

“No, I mean, why does Kuroo have your number. Why are you texting at all.”

“Oh! Sorry Tsukki! I got his number after the movie, remember? We talk sometimes.” He smiles a little shyly, as if only now for the first time pondering whether that was actually acceptable behaviour or not. “You don't mind, do you?”

Kei grits his teeth to not reply to that with the answer at the tip of his tongue. Of course I do. “Whatever. I just don't see what the hell you two would even talk about.”

“Oh. Well.” Yamaguchi blushes a little, fidgeting with his own drink. “Mostly volleyball. Sometimes he asks about you-- but I only say good things, Tsukki, I swear!”

“Oh my fucking god.”

\---

 **Tsukishima Kei** : I can't believe you've been talking to Yamaguchi behind my back, I will kill you  
**Kuro as my soul:** Hi Tsukki, how are you, how was your day?  
**Kuro as my soul:** Me? Oh, I'm fine, for now at least. Will probably have to pull an all-nighter to finish this book though...  
**Tsukishima Kei:** I hope you get a papercut  
**Kuro as my soul:** TSUKKI! How cruel!  
**Tsukishima Kei:** why the fuck have you been talking to yamaguchi  
**Kuro as my soul:** Because he's your friend and the whole reason we're doing this anyway?  
**Kuro as my soul:** I figured I had to thank him for his contribution to my happiness.  
**Kuro as my soul:** ;3  
**Tsukishima Kei:** it is so creepy when you use emoticons  
**Tsukishima Kei:** don't do that  
**Tsukishima Kei:** and stop talking to my friends  
**Kuro as my soul:** Hmmm... no.  
**Kuro as my soul:** Freckles is cool, Tsukki. Way cooler than you.  
**Tsukishima Kei:** ok, I'm going to block you  
**Kuro as my soul:** He even told me about your next practice match!  
**Tsukishima Kei:** what  
**Kuro as my soul:** Blocking me would be quite counter-productive to stopping me of talking with Freckles, Tsukki. If you block me he'll be my only way to you!  
**Kuro as my soul:** And you are my way, Megane-chan! Without you, I can not see, I am but a blind cat without your caw to lead me to the top!

 **Tsukishima Kei** blocked **Kuro as my soul**

 **Kuroo:**  
ur no fun

\---

Tsukishima doesn't want to be fun. He would rather be left alone than be fun. Unfortunately it seems neither is in his future.

Not one to give up easily, he hadn't unblocked Kuroo. Little more than a week had passed now. He still answered to his texts, but paid no heed to the implorations for an unblock. He mostly didn't want to accept that Kuroo's claims that “i kno ur hatin it 2!” were true. He did kind of miss their easy talks, despite having so much more time to study and doing his own thing now, but his pride wasn't this cheap.

It was a matter of principle!

It was a joke, just an extension of their pointless banter above anything though. And the joke turned to be on him when they arrived at the gym of their opposing school that Sunday and they had an unexpected audience.

Well, unexpected...

“Kuroo-san, hi! How was your trip?” Yachi's kind smile has never looked so malicious to Tsukishima, and the boyfriend at her side just takes over the knife in his back when he speaks, “Did you find it alright?”

“Heya! It went fine, us Tokyo folk know our way around public transport.” He winks, the goddamn bastard. The grin turns to the perplexed looking Tsukishima, and he dares to wave coyly, as if Tsukishima is nothing but a teammate who he just so happened to know.

There isn't any chance for a longer exchange between them than that as Hinata takes notice of the former captain and nearly jumps the guy, his enthusiasm for the game momentarily derailed. The whole Karasuno team is around Kuroo in minutes, excited and happy. With a face of stone Tsukishima starts stretching before the others, and doesn't meet Kuroo's eyes until the game starts.

The guy is actually cheering. It is awful. The opponents coaches keeps sending him looks, and Ukai waves him over after the first set went to the opponent. While Tsukishima and the rest of Karasuno fights back and conquered the second set with a shocking lead of 25-16, Kuroo talks with Takeda-sensei and Ukai at times, and Kei tries his best to not feel awkward about it. Somehow this setting feels even more like “fake-boyfriend meets parents” than that actual moment had felt like. Which is especially absurd since Kuroo isn't meeting their coach and teacher for the first time even.

At least they win, though.

Tsukishima avoids Kuroo for a while longer, but it doesn't seem like he is putting much effort into confronting him anyway. It makes Tsukishima anxious about what the guy is planning. He just prays to the gods above that it won't be too embarrassing for him, or out him and their fake relationship to the rest of the team. He really hopes Kuroo wasn't enough of an asshole to do that- he thinks he probably isn't, but doesn't put too much trust into this assumption.

When he boards the bus in a kind of fake hurry, Tsukishima feels both relieved and disappointing. He knows he isn't all that especial, and that Kuroo gets along well with the rest of karasuno too- and the first years glew with excitement at the sight of him, not ever really shutting the fuck up- but he'd just kind of expected this to be about him? What is Kuroo even supposed to be doing here if he isn't there for him? Like, seriously?!

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

Finally, his whole body says, and he visibly, though mostly unwillingly, relaxes into his seat as Kuroo leans into the one next to him. “Yes, actually, it's Yamaguchi's.” Last year it would have been true, but Yamaguchi has been sitting upfront with Yachi half the time now, so it isn't strictly true anymore. Not that Kuroo needs to know that.

“Nah, I asked if I could have it and he tearfully agreed to part with it.”

“What are you doing?” Tsukishima grits out as the rest of the bus fills and Kuroo takes the seat with a faux resigned shrug.

“I'm catching a ride back with you.” He shrugs again. “Hope you don't mind, because even if you do, well, that's just too bad coz Takeda-sensei already agreed.”

“Have you gotten any medals yet for going behind my back?”

Kuroo sighs, deeply, and it kind of shocks Tsukishima how honest it sounds rather than put on. “You know, talking with other people is not the same as 'going behind your back'. Freckles is your best friend, and he really loves volleyball, and Takeda-sensei is responsible for this excursion, so he's the authority on me leeching off of this ride or not. And please,” he leans in and speaks a little lower so nobody could hear, “relax, would you? I'm not gonna make a scene here, geez.”

Only then does Tsukishima realize how far his shoulders had tensed back up, and he huffs contrarily.

“I know. You wouldn't dare.”

“I just came to see the game of some old rivals because I was in town, is all. Ahhh...” He leans to the side, into Tsukishima's space, and he can feel his face heating up, “I only wish you had invited me instead of Freckles. You really kind of are a horrible friend, you know?”

He jokes, but Tsukishima is very much aware of how it was true. Kuroo would deny it, if he pointed it out, but it would have been nothing but politeness. He really kind of is a horrible friend to Kuroo.

They are silent on the bus-ride back, and Tsukishima slowly realizes why he is such a lousy friend. He hasn't quite accepted that Kuroo is his friend to begin with. But really, what kind of not-even-friends spoke to each other daily and did this kind of favour for one another?

He is such a dense idiot sometimes. People might think otherwise about him, but there are many sides of his personality he isn't actually proud of, and this kind of attitude is definitely one of those.

The rest of the team is nodding off, and he fails to resist joining them in napping after his epiphany.

They descend the bus at school and say their goodbyes, everybody just eager to relax for the rest of the day (or an hour or so, before going back to practice, as a two certain idiots were already agreeing to). Kuroo too wishes everybody a good day and congratulates them again on an awesome win. Tsukishima and him linger as the last ones, trying to ignore the building tension.

“Okay.” Tsukishima finally says, when it becomes clear Kuroo isn't going to be the one to start talking. “Let's be friends.” He offers his hand.

Kuroo grins wildly, grabs his hand in a firm handshake, and nearly laughs out, “finally.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next one will be bigger! I ~~promise~~ hope!


	4. Legacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He almost sent Bokuto a thank-you message. He didn't, of course, because “Brokuto” would show it to “Kubroo” and the teasing would never stop.

**Paint me Kuroo:** Already?! 3? Really??  
**Paint me Kuroo:** When did that even happen...?

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  somewhen in the last hours. obviously

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Damn, I really need to go...  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  Fuck it, last one!

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  alright

Tsukishima pressed the “rematch” button to launch their last game of chess for the day. It was Saturday night (Sunday morning) and they were tied with 3 wins each in their tournament. Last weekend they'd played online scrabble, but that'd been a lot less successful. Getting your ass handed to you just wasn't as much fun as a close competition- strangely enough Kuroo had agreed about winning too much not being fun either. Tsukishima called him a dic-muncher for the rest of the week, and he meant dictionary, he really did, but wouldn't have put the effort into avoiding the pun, despite how horrible it was. Kuroo didn't mind at all. More like, he seemed to laugh his ass of whenever the nickname was brought up.

Ever since acknowledging the friendship, things had been going smooth for Tsukishima. Kuroo and Yamaguchi still talked, but that was fine now. Mostly fine. It still made him grind his teeth when Kuroo would come up with a TsukkiFact that said Tsukki had not told him, but it was alright. Being friends with Kuroo was easy.

It'd been a month seen the impromptu audience for the practice game, and they hadn't seen each other since; hadn't really talked about the fake dating status either. Yamaguchi barely ever asked about things anymore with that heavy curiosity- it had become casual and comfortable. Yamaguchi would now ask about Kuroo like he was asking about a mutual friend, and Tsukishima wondered if that was actually the case now. Were his two closest friends friends too? They probably hadn't thought about it, those two idiots...

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Just for the record: I don't acknowledge this as defeat.  
**Paint me Kuroo:** This is only over when one of us wins with a two point difference, got it?

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  what is this, volleyball?

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Everything is volleyball, Tsukki. Everything.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  nerd

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Dork.  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  Anyway, tomorrow will be my death. I need all the sleep I can get!

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  probably shouldn't have stayed up playing games until 3am then

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Thank you, Captain Hindsight.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  you're welcome

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Ok, I'm off now. Good night!

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  night

He turned his computer off with a snort and buried into bed. If somebody had painted him this scenario a few months back when he'd first proposed this ridiculous arrangement, he'd have laughed in the person's face. Now, he's strangely happy. This fake dating thing was probably the best thing that'd happened to him in a while. He wouldn't deny that, with them getting along so well, it felt a little uncomfortable at times, a little too close to being true. It'd slowly dawned on him, the last few days, that if Kuroo wasn't Kuroo, he'd be convinced they were actually dating. They had gotten close, scarily so, and talking to Kuroo, whining about his day, hearing about the other's, video skyping while doing homework, playing various games into the middle of the night... in a way, he'd never even been this intense with Yamaguchi. Not that it was comparable. Yamaguchi still knew him so much better, knew so much more about him. Perhaps it was how long they'd been together, that personal issue were just that much simpler with his classmate...

None of it mattered, though. Kuroo and him weren't really dating. That'd be weird. Not that Kuroo wasn't fun and attractive and so, but... it's Kuroo, okay? The teasing asshole would probably be painfully sappy and romantic if he actually had a boyfriend. Tsukishima was just glad Kuroo didn't have anybody because then the older boy would probably never shut the hell up about him, and drive Tsukishima crazy (and away).

He doesn't have one though, and he says he's not looking. Tsukishima knows because it'd come up in one of their last conversations about the play they put up for Yamaguchi.

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Don't think I'll be able to come over for a while.  
**Paint me Kuroo:** Exams are upon me.  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  There is no escape.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  that's ok. They've completely stopped pestering me

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  That's good-- no, wait, are they sick of me already?

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  of course, who wouldn't be

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  You? ;)

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  die

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Actually, Tsukki, there's something I've been meaning to ask you...

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  what

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Don't you just want to tell Freckles the truth?

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  why

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  I almost feel like I'm bullying an innocent child, lying to him like this... D:

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  if you tell him I'll kill you.

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Mean. Why though?

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  Because I know he won't stop trying to find somebody for me. He wont shut up about it. I know this for a fact, you think I didn't try telling him I don't care before I asked YOU of all people to help?

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  I suppose you would. I didn't take him for that type though.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  what type

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  The “people can only be happy if they are in a relationship” type. I hate that type, but I don't hate Freckles. You can see where my confusion spawns from.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  You don't think you'd be happier if you had a girlfriend?

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Honestly? Maybe. But it's not like I'm trying to find one, you know? I'm happy just hanging with Bokuto, and when he needs to get into Akaashi's pants, I always got you, the endless internet, and a pile of assignments to keep me entertained. If I fall for somebody then that's awesome too, but I would loath to actually put effort into getting something that should really come more natural...

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  you're just a helpless romantic aren't you?

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  That too, of course.  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  What's your excuse for not being desperate to get some dick?

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  gross  
**Tsukishima Kei:**  do I need a reason?

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  No, but since you say I'm a romantic for thinking as I do, it makes me curious as to your reasoning, since you're as cynic as they come.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  I have none. Don't wanna, not gonna.

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Fair enough.  
  


\---  


“That's not fair.” Tsukishima mumbled to the screen, a deep frown etched into his face.

“Right?! And worst of all, they might not allow us to play in the next game! Our team will get their asses handed to them on a silver platter without my awesome saves and his awesome spikes!”

Tsukishima would have scoffed at the words, if he didn't know they were probably true, and if the timing weren't completely wrong for that. Besides, he couldn't call himself completely indifferent to Kuroo's predicament. “But you said you had a hearing with the coaches, so you can still convince them to let you play, right?”  
  
“We're hoping on it. Ugh, this is such a fucking mess though...” The Kuroo on Tsukishima's screen buried his face in his hands in exasperation, pulling them through his hair and rubbing the back of his head.

“You're okay though, right?” He bites out, showing as little care as possible in his words.  
  
“Yeah, kind of wish I wasn't, though. If I'd hit my head decently and cracked my skull at least we'd have something to show for our side.”  
  
“Don't say that,” Tsukishima snaps, worry slipping into his tone. He quickly corrected himself as Kuroo's eyes met his through the screen and kilometres between them, “if that'd happened you wouldn't get to play for longer than just a game or two. You're being ridiculous.”

“Heh, I guess so. Well, at least now I have some time to catch up on assignmughhhhh...” Face back into his hands, Tsukishima couldn't help snigger at the despair in Kuroo's body language. At least this despair was entertaining and non-threatening.

“It's not funny, Tsukki...”  
  
“I beg to differ.”  
  
Kuroo groaned, sinking deeper into his chair, until a noise came through the speakers and he perked up.  
  
“Alrighty then, I got to go, I think Bokuto and Akaashi just got here.”  
  
“Sure, have a party instead of studying. That'll help.”  
  
“Hey, bro-- eyyyy, Tsukkiiii!” Bokuto draped himself all over Kuroo's no longer near-lifeless form while offering the webcam a wide grin. “What's up?”

“Hi Bokuto-san.”  
  
“Anyway, Tsukki, we're gonna make pancakes. It's a comfort feast.”  
  
“Oh man, you told him about the fight?” Bokuto moaned and pouted. “I swear, next time I see those guys I'm going to do far worse than a single-”  
  
“Yeah yeah, better not, okay?” Kuroo stood up, gently pushing Bokuto out the door. Once the man had been expelled, Kuroo returned to the computer, looking both tired but strangely happy. “So yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”  
  
“Enjoy your junkfood.” Tsukishima smirked, and got a smirk back.

“Sweet innocent Tsukki, yet ignorant to the harsh truth of student-life.”  
  
“What's the supposed to mean?” Tsukishima scoffed, not as annoyed as he got the idea he probably should be.  
  
“Nothing, just enjoy your homemade zero-effort mom-dinner, Tsukki. Bye.”  
  
“Bye.” Kei smiled at the screen as the skype conversation ended. What a bunch of morons those guys were. Seriously. Getting into fights with opposing teams... well, he supposed he couldn't blame hem too much. If somebody had offended his friends like that, he'd probably want to kick some ass too. Ugh, just the idea of some asshole throwing Kuroo to the ground... He almost sent Bokuto a thank-you message. He didn't, of course, because “Brokuto” would show it to “Kubroo” and the teasing would never stop.

He turned back to his homework instead, and tried to focus on that and his own upcoming tournament. There wasn't any point in putting energy into getting angry over something that he could do nothing about. It sucked for Kuroo and Bokuto, but really, it wasn't something he was going to lose sleep over.

  
\---

  
For Tsukishima, everything sucked.

His nights had fallen into a clear pattern: he got home, did his homework, put on loud music and buried himself between blankets into bed. It had been like that the whole week, with the exception of Wednesday, when he hung out with Yamaguchi. He'd spend half of the time whining about how bored he was though, and the other half feeling like trash for being so annoying and out of character.

Tsukishima Kei didn't get _bored_. He didn't get _lonely_. He was more than perfectly capable of entertaining himself, and found company annoying half of the time. So why the hell was he acting like this?

He was with Yamaguchi again today, Saturday, and Yachi was off to the bathroom for a moment.

“Kuroo still busy with exams?”

Tsukishima's head slipped from his hand and almost crashed into the table. “What?” He snapped, suddenly defensive and annoyed for no discernible reason.

“I asked if Kuroo is still busy with his exams?” Yamaguchi repeated, subdued and almost shy, which irritated Tsukishima further. “He told me he would be unreachable for a while because he had to cram like crazy...”  
  
“Well, yeah. He is.” Tsukishima's tone was clipped and sharp. “What about it?”  
  
Yamaguchi sighed, deeply, and Tsukishima bristled at that. “What?” He snapped again.

“Tsukki, you're... just.” He sighed again. “Don't take it out on me, please.”  
  
“Take what out on you?” Kei knew fully well he was being obnoxious at this point. He'd made the click as soon as Yamaguchi had brought up that name. He just wasn't ready to accept it just yet. But it seemed Yamaguchi wasn't about to spare him.

“I get that it's lonely when your boyfriend doesn't have time for you, but that's no reason to behave like an asshole.”  
  
Tsukishima snorted. “Don't I always act like an asshole?”  
  
“That's actually very last year, Tsukishima-kun...” Yachi rejoined the conversation, popping into the seat next to Yamaguchi's with a smile that was half shy half scolding. It was a strange combination to see, and slightly unsettled Tsukishima. “It's okay to be in a bad mood, but you can't get so dependent on somebody for-”  
  
“I'm not dependent on anybody.” He snaps, and the moment he does he pulls back, even before he sees Yachi's recoiling expression. “Sorry.” He mumbles, and feels a sting in his side as his best friend sends him a small glare. “I just... don't like that I am.” He grit out, the words cutting the roof of his mouth as they left.

The girl's face softened, and Kei felt heat rise to his face. He didn't know why, but the way she was looking at him made him very uncomfortable. He shifted in his seat.

“I'm sure Kuroo-san will come back as soon as he can.”  
  
“He's gonna be busy until the end of the month.” And that's another 9 days. Tsukishima didn't know how he was supposed to survived another 9 days without anything to do. Even before Kuroo entered the picture and Yamaguchi had stopped spending all his time with Tsukki, he'd never gotten this bored before. What would he even do for entire nights? Well, he managed to keep well entertained for the first two days after Kuroo had announced his crucial immersion in studies in order to survive the year, but after that? Tsukishima kept opening and closing skype, checking his phone for messages, refreshing facebook even. Everything was quiet and it was really awkward and strange. He got distracted from reading online articles by the need to do these checks. It would happen every 5 minutes, easily, and it was driving Tsukishima crazy.

He put down his phone and resisted the desire to throw it at the wall as he realized what he'd just done.

“That's why you should hang out with us more, Tsukki!”  
  
“Yeah, we can do fun stuff all together!”  
  
Kei grumbled. “Fun stuff like sitting at a cafe and discussing my sad life? Jolly.”  
  
Before any of the other could answer Kei's phone whistled and the blond pounced on it like a wild beast.

 **Kuroo:**  
Tlkd 2 kenma, wil go2 trainngcmp, cuther

His face wasn't sure if it wanted to frown or smile. A short 2-day training camp was held at Nekoma's next weekend, so that was sooner than Kuroo's promised to return to the world of those socially active (Tsukishima found it grating to think himself part of that world. Internet active? Huh...), but the fact that Kuroo was talking to Kenma when he had completely cut Tsukki off to study kind of annoyed him. Alright, it wasn't as if he was completely ignored all of Tsukishima's communications, but he was only answering texts twice a day, and that was when he was eating, he'd said. Kei had stopped trying to talk over texts after a day of slow replies. It only frayed his nerves more.

“Was that Kuroo?” Yamaguchi smiled at him, and he realized that he'd been staring at the screen for too long. Embarrassed, he put the phone aside; he could answer and try to figure out what cuther was supposed to mean later, and tried to focus back on present company.

“Yeah, he said he's coming to the training camp.”  
  
“Oh, that's great, you'll actually get to see him again!” Yachi was practically beaming, her hands clasped together as she spoke, “I'm so jealous! Oh, and,” a pout promptly formed on her lips, “I wish our senpai would come back to visit more often...”  
  
Yamaguchi threw a compassionate arm around her thin shoulders and pulled her a little closer to him. The little blonde didn't stop pouting, but leaned her cheek indulgently against her boyfriend's shoulder. It was sickeningly sweet.

“Why are you jealous. You have your boyfriend by your side all the time. What is there to be jealous about.” He deadpanned, completely unamused by their cuteness.

“Oh.” Yachi blushed, then grinned a little. “Ait. Guess you're the jealous one.”  
  
With half a mind to get up and leave right then, Tsukishima had a hard time not snapping at the girl for that one. “Whatever.” He mumbled finally, and sunk into his seat. He really disliked these parallels. Sometimes he thought he'd forgotten about the fake dating completely. Other times it seemed like he'd only forgotten about the fake part. It pissed him off so much that his brain could make such stupid mistakes.

Mostly though, he hated how much time and energy he was spending on these worries.


	5. Ship of Fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Paint me Kuroo:** Liar. I'm really sorry though, I wasn't thinking.  
>  **Tsukishima Kei:** please just stop talking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woa I'm sorry this took ages wth D8 Hopefully I'll ~~hate less hard~~ update faster next time, but I promised nothing 8D;;
> 
> Especial thanks to [Kade](http://archiveofourown.org/users/southpaws_catcher) for ~~helping me try to save this~~ beta reading xD  
> 

Kei had forgotten to worry about something crucial.

He only realized this when he found himself in a gym filled with the sound of slamming balls and the sweat of teenage boys. And a burning gaze that refused to let him cool down.

Kei just blessed the fact that Bokuto hadn't tagged along, since subtlety was something completely lost on the owl man. And subtlety was much desired when Kuroo stepped in, talking with his old team, other players' interest peaking too. Kei prayed with every fiber of his being for this to not be too awkward. It wasn't meant to be, of course.

“Tsukishima, look, it's Kuroo!!” Hinata bumped his side and Kei instantly felt the need to bash the orange head into the nearest flat surface. The ball of energy just ignored his building rage and ran to meet the visitor with a wide grin in his eyes. He ran so hard he nearly jumped into the object of his interest, in fact, and the whole gym fell silent as Hinata jumped. Then Kuroo, the goddamn bastard, picked Hinata up, swirled him around and put him down behind him. Casually he turned back to his setter friend and tried to continue talking as if nothing had happened. His friend's deadpan look, the corners of his mouth insisting on a smirk, and the whole gym bursting out into loud guffaws stopped him from acting smooth. Behind him, Hinata stood, perplexed, slowly turning the colour of the nekoma jerseys.

“K-K-KUROO-SAN?!?!” He whined in dismay, and it only rekindled the wild laughter of those who had seen the display. It seemed the fascination Hinata had had with the university student ever since he'd won the Best Middle Blocker Award was finally diminishing.

Even Kei, from his spot in the middle of the gym, was halfway doubled over, stomach aching just a little from the desperate ( _genuine_ ) laughter tugging at his innards. It was absurd and hilarious and so ridiculously _adorable_.

And then Kuroo's eyes met his, over the head of the each-time-less-blond setter, and smiled at him. He looked tired around the eyes, shoulders sagging, but also strangely content- and his eyes offered Kei such a knowing glint he felt a little embarrassed by it. A faint blush on his cheeks, he nodded at the visitor before focusing back on his warm-up.

It was like having jumped into a time machine and being back to last year's training camp: Kuroo giving commentary, blocking tips and playing along without even a second of hesitation. Challenging glares and wicked smirks were shot back and forth, and no, it wasn't anything like training camp - it was better, more comfortable, more fun. Kuroo slung an arm around his shoulder and said, with a huge grin on his lips, “Didn't we tell you it was more fun once you got better at it?” He was doing that a lot- touching him, smiling at him, the occasional wink even. Once, while looking away in exasperation, Kei had met Yachi's eyes and they were smiling at him... and it was weird. He blushed and turned away again. He'd almost forgotten.

Night was coming in fast and it was time for the teams to retreat for the night. The coaches gathered them, spoke a little of the merits of hard work and growth and other such clichés, then dismissed them, which meant it was time for Kuroo to go too. Tsukishima found himself actually pitying this. He'd missed the student these past weeks...

But Kuroo is not gone yet. He's leaning against Kei, again, and whining about the amount of work he still has to do before the weekend is over. Kozume is looking at them, gaze analyzing, lips quirking up at a subtle yet strange angle. Is he smirking?

“Kuro, I have some discounts for that burger place down the street, if you still want to take your boyfriend out for dinner.”

How can a voice so soft be so loud? How can it that everybody somehow heard that- every single member of both teams now staring at the two, even the coaches seeming to twitch.

“Kenmaaaa...” Kuroo actually whines, and pouts at the other while Tsukishima is standing there perplexed, still wondering about the mechanics of sound, not yet able to react, until Kuroo continues, “Don't be mean...!”

“I'm just saying," Kenma mumbles, hair falling in his face. "You're a poor student with a crush to woe. As your friend, I want to help."

Tsukishima blinks, and having regained control of his body, his eyes scan the surrounding crowds. Against all odds he meets Hinata's gaze and swallows at the sight of the small boy; mouth agape, eyes blown wide, body slack in disbelief. And then he takes a deep breath and hell breaks loose.

“TSUKISHIMA IS DATING KUROO-SAN??!” He runs to them and glares at their faces alternately, and it'd be a funny sight of Kei wasn't freaking out just a little bit. Then, with a groan, “OH MY GOD THAT IS SO COOL I AM SO JEALOUS!!”

“Jealous?!” Sounds a surprised (and probably unconscious) squeak from somewhere in the small crowd, but it's ignored, Ennoshita grabbing Hinata by the collar and pulling him back. Apparently the flames of his admiration hadn't completely extinguished yet.

“What do you think you are doing? Stop making a scene!” Fusses the captain, and Kozume snorts from behind him, and yeah, that was definitely an smirk revealing the inner demon of this absolutely- _not_ -innocent setter.

“But it's just so cool to have a boyfriend that can teach you volleyball and--” The little ball of sunshine is cut off by a rough pat on his head, a chuckled “shut up,” courtesy of Tanaka, and then Tsukishima feels a rumble at his side - Kuroo is laughing.

“It's alright.” He showcases an enormous grin, leans a little forward to get close to the orange haired boy. “I'm sure there's someone like that for you too, chibi-chan.”

And if there's another squeak from the crowd, nobody comments on it.

Tanaka locks a hard glare on Kuroo and Tsukishima feels the student's frame tighten just a little besides him. “If you hurt him I will break you.”

“Roger that.” Kuroo answers and Tanaka smiles, and then Noya pops onto his shoulders and there are playful bickers and shouts and nonsense.

Kei has no idea what just happened, but it seems like Kuroo was granted permission for... what, really? He can't say. He relaxes slowly under the casual atmosphere, Kuroo still at his side, half draped over him, and it takes a while for Kei to notice him staring with inquisitive eyes. “What?” He snaps, flushing a little.

“Sorry about Kenma. He can be a little shit at times.” Kuroo offers, a gentle smile on his lips.

“It's alright.” He fidgets a little, not sure if it really is, but not being able to put his finger on what it is that makes him unsure.

“Will you go out for dinner with me then?” The smirk reemerges.

“You don't have to force yourself.” Kei scoffs and wants to turn away but Kuroo hugs him from behind and there are people there and they look at them, ignore them, go on with their own tasks. Kei has to remind himself that this is good, it's cementing the notion for Yamaguchi that he's not in need of somebody else. It's supposed to be good... so why is he uncomfortable, thinking he'd rather do this somewhere nobody could see?

He was just lacking attention, that was it. He'd been lonely without Kuroo to talk to the last few weeks, that was all, and his mind was tricking him into wanting to be close to him a lot more now because of it. That's got to be it.

“Tsukki, c'mon, I haven't talked with you in ages and you're here now, let's at least go out for a little...”

Kei starts his protests with, “But I wouldn't be able to get back in once-”

And then Yamaguchi materializes in front of them, smiling sweet and supportive. “I can open the door for you when you come back, Tsukki! Just go enjoy some time together.” He tilts his head and Kei wants to punch every single freckle on his face, but also kind of kiss them. His friend was being nice and considerate after all, trying to give him some time with the one he's supposed to want to be with. Actually does, too, just maybe not in the same way as it was meant.

He nods. “Fine, thanks.”

“No problem, Tsukki! Have fun!”

–

It is a problem, as he's already thought before. A huge problem that he carelessly forgot to think about.

They sit opposite each other, half eaten burgers and fries that are slowly turning cold between them, and Kuroo's knees keep bumping against his own. There are smiles exchanged - back and forth between the both of them as Kuroo whines and Tsukishima scoffs and vice versa. It actually kind of feels like a date, because Yamaguchi and Yachi aren't there. It was a miscalculation on Tsukishima's part. He never should have agreed with this: it's awkward and lame.

Except for it's kind of fun, too, somehow? He really had missed talking to Kuroo, and with how used he'd gotten to his online persona, his actual presence seemed less overwhelming and ridiculous than before- though his hair was as preposterous as always. It was like the two people, Kuroo the volleyball mentor and “Kuroo as my soul” (he didn't think any of the other nicknames were quite as catchy, really) were starting to come together as one person, and Tsukishima found that he actually (against all expectations) liked this person.

Maybe giving in and allowing Kuroo to be his friend had not be a horrible choice. Maybe asking Kuroo to help him in this exquisitely stupid idea (because he realized, more and more, how stupid it was and how it was doomed to end with a very disappointing Yamaguchi shaking his head at him) was actually a blessing in disguise. And maybe meeting him in person really wasn't that bad.

It doesn't change the fact that this seems a little like a date and therefore a little awkward, but it isn't lame. Not really.

“This is almost like a real date, isn't it?” Kuroo frowns, breaking Tsukishima from his ruminations about that very same topic. Can the bastard read minds?

“Almost, yes.”

“Perfect then, isn't it? Your cover has never been this secure.” He smirks, tilting his head into his hand and popping a half cold fry into his mouth, and Kei feels irritated without knowing why. All this thinking about it being nice to spend time with Kuroo had almost made him forget how much of an asshole the guy could be. Well, Kei could do that too. (Which was exactly why it was fun, though. Tsukishima prospered on conflict and strife after all.)

“It didn't need further securing though. I think we've about done our part here anyway.” He pretends to get up, not getting far before a hand grabs his and drags him back into the seat.

“Tsukki, you're so mean... didn't you even miss me in the slightest?” The grown man pouts, and it's ridiculous and exactly what Kei wanted. He snorts, shifts to sit more comfortable, and fakes a sigh (it's very obviously fake, but Kuroo plays along, and Kei won't be grateful for it, but does kind of appreciate it, secretly).

“Alright, I suppose I can indulge you a little longer.”

A fry flies over the table and hits Tsukishima in the face.

The atmosphere chills and there's a storm coming. Not really, but Kei is glaring as if he's summoning the powers of the gods to extract vengeance on his companion, and Kuroo - Kuroo only holds out that long before bursting into tears of laughter. “Oh my god Tsukki that's the most sour face I have ever seen you make hahahahaha!!”

Tsukishima takes a deep breath, tries to regain his calm despite the unacceptable affront committed against his person. He is bigger than this, he tells himself. He is better than this. “I am not going to have a food fight with you, Kuroo-san.”

“That's good, actually, because we're doomed to grab one of the fries with ketchup on it sooner or later, and that'd be a disaster.” The student smirks at him for a moment, then yawns. “Well, it was worth a try.”

“I'm going to regret asking, but- what were you trying to do?”

“Bokuto and I have a bet going about who will manage to get into a food war first...” Kuroo's eyes meet Tsukishima's deadpan before he shrugs, “Not with each other, of course. That's old news.”

“Pfft.” Kei withholds his smile and rolls his eyes. “You're both ridiculous. I'm not surprised Bokuto-san comes up in this context.”

“We should have a dinner all together at my place- I'm sure Bokuto would want a jab at getting you to food fight too!”

“Never.”

“That's too bad...”

\---

“...it's SO awesome I'm still jealous!”

Kuroo chuckles and rubs the small bundle of energy's head. “You're gonna make somebody else jealous if you keep saying that.” He grins, all obnoxious charm and playful teasing.

“What? Who?” Hinata looks confused for a moment, eyebrows furrowed and big eyes shining as his little brain tries to do it's job. “OH! Yeah, you should bring Bokuto-san next time! Why didn't he come anyway? AGHHH, I wanna try blocking Bokuto-san's spikes againnn!!!”

The teams are all gathered around the van, Karasuno about to embark and return to their little “middle of nowhere”, and Kuroo came to see them off. Tsukki barely spoke to him today, but that's alright- they had their time yesterday and the student only came shortly before they had to leave anyway. Kei suspects Yamaguchi of having texted the bed haeded man a warning, because he sure didn't. He can't find it in himself to hate him for it (never can).

“Ok, time to go!” Calls Takeda-sensei, and Ukai soon follows with “All of you, on the bus!”. The last goodbyes sound, Hinata hugs Kozume more tightly than the Nekoma vice-captain seems comfortable with, but they're both smiling. Kei turns to his own pain in the ass cat. “I'll see you online then.”

“Of course!” The grin is big, but there's a hint of dejection in it, and Tsukishima tries hard to not think of what that might mean. “You can't get rid of me that easily!”

“Good,” they walk together to the door, the rest filed into the van already. Kei has one foot in the bus when Kuroo pulls on his arm, gently, and he turns his head, is greeted by his friend's face, so close, closer than ever before, and there's something warm against his lips and why are his eyes closed?

He opens them and sees Kuroo pull back with a smile, a tiny flush on his cheeks, and can feel every eye within a mile locked onto them. “Bye.”

Kuroo steps back, Tsukishima steps inside, and the door closes. There are many blushes amongst his teammates faces, and Tanaka and Noya are grinning hugely at him. He doesn't process what just happened until he's seated and lifted his headphones over his ears. Blood rushes to his face, burning his skin, and he fights with all his might against the desire to hide away under the seat instead of looking faux-casually out of the window.

His phone whistles, and he's slow to react and check the text.

**Kuroo:**  
Guaranteed security

He types out a million replies, and doesn't send a single one.

–

Multiple unrelated conversations later, Kuroo suddenly comes out with an awkward:

**Paint me Kuroo:** Sorry, by the way.  
**Tsukishima Kei:** what for  
**Paint me Kuroo:** Kissing you out of the blue?  
**Tsukishima Kei:** it worked perfectly, no need to apologize  
**Paint me Kuroo:** Was it your first kiss?  
**Tsukishima Kei:** what? No!  
**Paint me Kuroo:** … with a guy?  
**Tsukishima Kei:** no  
**Paint me Kuroo:** Liar. I'm really sorry though, I wasn't thinking.  
**Tsukishima Kei:** please just stop talking about it.

Mercifully, Kuroo listens to Kei's request, for once. They move on to talk about different, unrelated and completely safe topics, free of the danger of blushes and awkwardness.

 


	6. Clipped Wings of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Kuroo was throwing this much of a fit, still, Kei didn't wanna know how Bokuto was dealing with it... He really really didn't wanna know.
> 
> Tsukishima Kei: how's Bokuto-san holding up?  
> Paint me Kuroo: Oh my-- do you really wanna know?
> 
> Kei doesn't know anymore what he wants and doesn't want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I cheated for the title D:)  
> Sorry this took so long again :/

The comfort and happiness of daily life is back with a vengeance, and Tsukishima isn't sure if he ever enjoyed Kuroo's company quite this much before he'd had to miss it. Kuroo passed all his exams, by the way, which Tsukki thinks he should not be surprised about, but he is. He hides it well though, and Kuroo is none the wiser of his undefeated skepticism of the student's intelligence. Their days of playing games and talking until the middle of the night are back, and texting too-- and if the whole teams sends him secretive smiles whenever his phone whistles, he can honestly say he doesn't care. Much.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” He grumbles as he fights to keep the smile from showing on his lips.

“Sorry, Tsukki!” It sounds as unapologetic as always.

Kuroo's text reads:  
Wrst day evr prt2- killmeplz

As they walk home Kei types up a reply. Only his best friend, in step besides him, thinks about how telling it is that he answers the text instead of waiting the 5 minutes it'll take them to get home and answering over skype.

Kei is ridiculously taken in by Kuroo, and Yamaguchi doesn't think he even realizes half of it. The normal irritated expression is less weighted down, he glows whenever his phone whistles and Yamaguchi has counted up to 9 smiles that Kei couldn't contain upon reading his texts. Not like Kei never smiles, but when he does it's usually at somebody else's expense. These smiles? They are real, they battle against the frown and they _win_. It makes him so happy to see his friend letting go, and not in spite or provocation, but actual genuine joy...

If he'd known it'd be like this, he'd have pushed Kei into a relationship years earlier!

Though, they didn't know Kuroo years earlier. So maybe it wouldn't have worked.

He wonders if he should be sad about this. How they're walking home together, like the good old days, like what used to be their everyday before he started hanging out with Yachi and Tsukki sulked back alone. Now when he's alone Tsukki walks fast, eager to get home, to his laptop, to his boyfriend. They are walking together now, and the blond doesn't even notice how he keeps falling silent as he answers texts.

Nah, Yamaguchi's isn't sad about it. He smiles, and he feels happy for his friend.

He's not gonna pretend he isn't more entertained once Tsukki puts his phone away again (for how long this time?) and turns back to him. That'd be stupid. He smiles at his friend and continues their earlier conversation, even if they get in only a few sentences before a phone chimes again. Surprisingly though, it's his own this time.

Kuroo-san:  
Yo, Yama-chn! Hows t book I recmendd? & tel tsuki hes so wrng, kplzthx.

Yamaguchi snorts, catching Tsukishima's attention and pockets his phone, giving his friend a wide grin. "Kuroo-san says you're right about everything always."

And Kei stares at him with wide eyes for half a second before bursting out in laughter. It is a gorgeous sound, and despite having no idea what it is all about, Tadashi laughs with.

It is all worth it.

\--

 **Paint me Kuroo:** Whatever have I done to deserve this. Tsukki. Help.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** don't you have a friend that studies law or soemthing?  
**Tsukishima Kei:** *something

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Akaashi wants to, but not yet- and we asked, he can't help either.  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  Tsukkiiiiiiii, I'm gonna be so miserable, help me!

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  you can still go to practice, even if they ban you from games right?

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Please don't do serious talk, I can't do serious talk about this.  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  Serious talk means it's serious- a serious actual thing that can actually happen! And it just can't be that okay, it just really really can't.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  alright, it's not gonna fly anyway, relax.

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  My dad is going to kill me. He will literally put an end to my life.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  please tell me that literally did not actually mean "literally"  
**Tsukishima Kei:** don't make me call child protective services on your dad

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Haha, just joking Tsukki, not literally literally, of course!

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  somehow that doesn't make me feel any more confident here.

About a month after the fight Bokuto and Kuroo had gotten themselves into, things were still not settled. Or, rather, they were starting to settle, but not in the way the pair would've liked. They'd been provisionally suspended, and their team had lost a close practise match against one of their biggest rivals. Not only did this convince the duo their presence would have made the difference, it had convinced the team of the same. Tensions were high, apparently, and now that they were supposed to be allowed to play again, the opposing party was throwing a fit.

It wasn't pretty.

There was talk about suspending them from the team indefinitely, and for at least the whole upcoming tournament. Yesterday, after they'd heard the news, Kuroo and Bokuto were going to go out drinking to "heal their shattered hearts" or something. If Kuroo was throwing this much of a fit, still, Kei didn't wanna know how Bokuto was dealing with it... He really really didn't wanna know.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  how's Bokuto-san holding up?

 **Paint me Kuroo:** Oh my-- do you really wanna know?

Kei doesn't know anymore what he wants and doesn't want.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  yes

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Better than I expected.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  ...  
**Tsukishima Kei:**  did you expect him to bomb places? Jump off a bridge? Declare martial law?

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Something like that. He only got ridiculously smashed, whined nonstop for 5 hours, puked all over my shoes and cried himself to sleep on my couch.  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  It's been 15 hours and he's still there.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  will he ever recover?

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  I will make his favourite food tonight. And Akaashi is coming over for dinner too. Hopefully it's the beginning of the healing process.  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  Though I suspect it will only last until preparation for the tournament.  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  If I'm lucky he'll be so dejected I'll be too focused on keeping him from jumping in front of a train that I won't have time to contemplate joining him.  
**Paint me Kuroo:**   Wait that sounded worse than it did in my mind- way worse. In so many ways.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  but is it already definite you wont get to play in the tournament?

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  I'm pretending it isn't, but... pretty much, honestly.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** damn  
**Tsukishima Kei:** for two volleyball nerds like you it must be horrible. I can't imagine your pain

 **Paint me Kuroo:**  Don't deny the volleyball love, Tsukki. That barely worked last year, and now I can clearly see through your lies.  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  Oh, I think I hear rattling in the kitchen! Bokuto must be up!  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  I'll go check on him in a se-- no wait shit there are knives there BRB!!!!  
**Paint me Kuroo:**  I'm kind of joking but seriously brb

Kei leaned back in his chair and shook his head, a faint smile on his lips. Even if everything sucked for them, it was kind of endearing to see these two ridiculous friends being there for each other.

\--

Men in Kuroo is online

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  No.

 **Men in Kuroo:** Don't like my new name?  
**Men in Kuroo:** And "hi hello how are you" to you too.

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  do you seriously not see it?

 **Men in Kuroo:** See what? Dude, I saw all the men in black movies they are ridiculous and awesome and I will hear nothing bad said against them.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** I can't believe you're actually this innocent. You are pulling my leg, right?

 **Men in Kuroo:** What?  
**Men in Kuroo:** I'm confused.  
**Men in Kuroo:** Explain to me, Tsukki!

 **Tsukishima Kei:**  no, excuse me while I have an existential crisis

 **Men in Kuroo:** ???  
**Men in Kuroo:** OH

 **Men in Kuroo** changed their name to **Tsukki in Kuroo**

 **Tsukki in Kuroo:** Better? ;D  
**Tsukki in Kuroo:** Or would you prefer Kuroo in Tsukki? The reference get's a little forced then though...

 **Tsukishima Kei:** OMFG

Both of them are shocked when Kei merely goes offline, without actually blocking Kuroo.

\--

It's Saturday afternoon. Skype has been turned on for at least 15 minutes, and Kuroo still hasn't said anything. Tsukishima has opened the chat window, tried to write a greeting a few times. He hasn't said anything yet either. Something tense hangs in the air, and Kei has no idea where it's come from and what he's supposed to be doing with it. It's pathetic, he decides, and just sends a greeting.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Hi

He stares at that sad lonely message for 7 minutes, feeling increasingly stupid as Kuroo doesn't answer.

Maybe Kuroo finally got bored of him? They have been talking a lot lately, and though Kuroo didn't seem bored with their chats and games, it doesn't mean he wasn't. Kuroo is a pretty good actor, there is no reason to assume he couldn't fake it. Fake being Kei's friend as well as his boyfriend, hahaha, oh the irony.

No, Kuroo wanted to be his friend. He wonders what he did to ruin everything, because clearly he's fucked up then, somehow. Did he say something to insult Kuroo yesterday? Probably. He's that kind of asshole after all. Or maybe he forgot to ask after something important, and Kuroo is pissed at him over it? He racks his brain for a while, but can't think of anything. Or at least, nothing new... was he supposed to be more worried and supportive about his and Bokuto's suspension from the tournament? Volleyball was how they met after all. Had he downplayed his interest too much? Well, he cared! Kuroo was supposed to know that, right?

Well, Kei thinks flippantly, if Kuroo hates him now, the worst is that he'll have to come up with another way to fill his nights. (And he refuses to accept that his stomach feels sucked empty, that his chest constricts around his lungs at the very idea.)

It's twenty minutes later, and Kei's trying to get some research done for a paper due next week, when his skype finally jumps back to life.

Incoming call from The Kuroo Knight

Kei's stomach drops and twists on the floor and tries to run away from him. Kuroo's suddenly calling him. Is he going to yell, angry about whatever it is Kei did to fuck shit up? Tell him he never wants to see him again? No no, he's probably exaggerating, Kuroo wouldn't do that (or would he?). Still, the yelling and anger. Kei likes banter and teasing and riling people up, but he doesn't want his friends to actually hate him!

He feels a little shaky as he stares at the screen and the annoying ringing wraps itself around him. He reaches for his headset and lazily plugs it in- he doesn't need his mom to come home to the sound of yelling. He doesn't need anyone to know, really. His mouse hovers over "accept call" and he hesitates. In fact, _he_ doesn't need to know, doesn't need to hear it and put up with it. Yeah, that's right. He owes Kuroo nothing.

Rejected call from The Kuroo Knight

 **Tsukishima Kei:** what?

Kei stares at the screen as it signals Kuroo started typing. It takes a while, whereas normally he's a speedy conversationalist, even in writing.

 **The Kuroo Knight:** sorry if bad time cant really type hurt my hand

Staring at the message, Kei feels unsettled. More because Kuroo didn't capitalize the first word and forwent all punctuation than the actual content of the message. All his previously built up worries and determination do a lightning fast 180º and are barely processed before Kei is smashing the video call button.

Kuroo looks like utter shit. If Kei had thought he looked tired and done during the training camp at Nekoma, then this? This is a whole new level. He is ridiculously pale, like he hasn't slept in days, his skin a little shiny from sweat, and his smile is strained like it's breaking his face.

"Yo," he says, and Kei really really really wants to hug him.

"What happened?" He wastes no time to get to the point, doesn't feel like he can with Kuroo looking like he's about to unravel in front of him.

The smile becomes a little less painful, and Kuroo averts his eyes, looking bashful for but a second, before grinning at the screen. "Why, Tsukki, are you worried?" And Tsukishima tries to not scoff, he does! He just fails, horribly, but by the smile on Kuroo's face, it wasn't a bad reply.

"Seriously though, what's wrong, what's with your hand?"

"Uhhhh..." Kuroo goes a little red around the cheeks, and the colour looks good on his pale skin, but he doesn't look any less like he's at the end of his rope, not really. It's also slowly becoming painfully obvious he's holding his right hand under the table. If it were appropriate Kei would insinuate... ah, fuck being appropriate. Kuroo looks like he need a distraction anyway.

"If you're secretly jacking off under the table I am going to block you for real this time."

It's worth it for how Kuroo's eyes grow wide and his face colours redder, throwing his hands up in surrender while he trips over his own tongue, half laughing half making excuses. He's flustered and Kei secretly thinks it's adorable, hiding his own laugh behind a hand, before his eyes catch Kuroo's, and all joy slips out of his eyes and posture.

"What the _fuck_ did you do?!" He grinds out, low and threatening. Slowly Kuroo comes down too, and a sad attempt at a sheepish smile slips onto his face as he half craddles a red slowen hand with busted knuckles.

"I might have kind of punched a wall..."

"You did what now?" Kei snaps. He is shaking, and he can't figure if it's anger or worry. Probably both.

"It looks worse than it is, really? And it's not like I need to be blocking anytime soon anyway." He grumbles, and Tsukishima can see the defeat slipping back into the young man's posture. Maybe now isn't the time for scolding, he tells himself, and tries to keep the bite out of his voice. Tries being the keyword.

"Why the hell did you punch a wall, Kuroo?"

He sighs, like explaining it is a pain, and scratches the back of his neck with his left hand. Suddenly Kei is really irritated by how unnatural it looks, the student doing so much with his left. He keeps the annoyance under control though. He can see how it's not helping and.. well, he does actually want to help.

"Sorry." He pushes out, and Kuroo stares at him through the screen, from kilometres away, wide eyed and jaw slack. "Tell me what happened?" He offers, and gets a small soft smile in return.

"It's fine, we don't have to talk about it. I don't need to drop my drama on you anymore than I already do." He fakes a little laugh, and it almost looks like there are tears in his eyes. Kei's heart breaks. He swallows. It hurts, his throat suddenly dry and achy.

"Kuroo, talk to me." His voice sounds foreign and gentle in his own ears, but he ignores it.

So Kuroo takes a deep breath, and he tries. "I just... got into a bit of a fight with my dad. He has... how should I put this..." The man on the screen takes a chocked breath and the boy watching feels his blood boiling. "He has high expectations of people, you know? And I'm just really..." He swallows, forces a smile on his lips, the corners twitching down by whatever weigh is pulling on him. "I'm just really good at not living up to them, you know? It's not a big deal," he says, but the expression he's wear begs to differ, "but it's frustrating, is all."

"Kuroo," Tsukki starts, trying to meet the student's eyes which are stubbornly fixated on his keyboard, "it's a big enough deal to make you punch a fucking wall and mutilate your hand. You better put ice on that and if it feels anyhow broken you better go to the doctor really fast or I will break your other hand for you, free of charge."

Kuroo snorts and shakes his head, a faint but genuine smile on his lips. "Yeah, I will, don't worry, Tsukki. Thanks."

"Also you're not a disappointment. I've met disappointments, and former volleyball captain university students that are pretty much acing all their classes do not qualify." He continues, trying to glare the other out of his slump. Kuroo just snorts again, a self deprecating smile on his lips.

"I guess it depends on what you focus on," Kuroo mumbles, leaning back in his chair, looking like he's not sure if he'd mind tumbling backwards and breaking his neck. "'Cause you could also think I'm a university student doing a sad and useless study that has no employment possibilities, just wasting away my parents money so I can play some useless sport in the meanwhile. Oh yes, and I'm a delinquent now, apparently, which is new. Oh boy," he fakes the most stupid looking childish excitement and continues on a high pitched tone, "I just can't wait to add gay to that list!" His face falls slightly and he shakes his head, but he's getting more energized, though there seems to be little positive about it. "Heck, even my mom might jump on that one 'cause grandchildren, oh no, can't live on without!"

"Kuro-"

"So yeah, I guess they're right," the student rants on, expression twisting into anger, "the least I could do is to quit this stupid sport that obviously doesn't want me anyway, and stop wasting precious time I could be studying." He waves his hands around like it's obvious, eyebrows dipping deep. "While I'm at it I should just change to law or medicine, pretty sure those are the only two studies of any actual value, right?!" He pauses for barely a second and makes a shocked expression at the screen. "What, my opinion? Oh silly silly boy, no no no," he shakes his head, "your life is not yours, how do you mean?" A loud scoff, arms crossover over his chest. "If you wanna live by foreign standards you should just go find some foreign parents to pay for everything instead! Maybe trade with their son, he'll probably be less of a loser, can't be much worse can it, hahahah!" The fake laugh lasts only shortly, then all the anger and life slips back out and Kuroo sighs, deep and slow, leaning his elbows on the desk, forehead against his left palm.

Tsukishima just sits there, staring at his friend, anger drained at the other's rant. He's left feeling helpless and useless.

"Sorry," Kuroo speaks up again, and it's wrong, all wrong. "As I said, it's just frustrating. He just wants the best for me-- and of me. And I'm not a good enough son to just give it to him... so we clash a lot."

"That sucks." Tsukishima forces out, finally, and Kuroo meets his eyes with a faint smile, still looking more broken than Kei has ever seen him, more hurt than Kei ever wanted to see.

"Yeah, it does."

"Wanna come over?" He blurts out before he knows what he's doing, so of course it shocks him when Kuroo just laughs.

"Do I look that miserable?" The student huffs out once the guffaw stops, wiping tears from the corner of his eyes.

"Worse, really."

"Do you mean it?"

"That you look like shit or that you can come over?"

"Both."

"Yeah."

"I'd love to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking around and _omfg thank you all so much for the nice comments what did I do to deserve this hahahhaa_
> 
> (if anybody is interested, I have a writing blog, at [drabblicious](http://drabblicious.tumblr.com)... it's not very active though .w.U)


	7. Existence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm acting normal."
> 
> "You're not normally an asshole."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit and fan collide. I'm sorry for the resulting mess. Please try to enjoy!

Kei hates impulsive decisions. He invited Kuroo on a whim, and the student accepted. It was strangely fullfilling to see the gratefulness on his face, the soft smile that slipped onto his lips- how his worries seemed to lose just a little of their grip on him.

What isn't great is how this now means Kuroo is on his way here, and Kei's parents are out, and not picking up their phones. He is pretty sure they won't mind, but he would still like to clear it with them. Mostly so he has the free brain-space to start worrying about Kuroo coming over at all. He needs to mentally prepare himself. Not only is his friend coming over, but he is needing support and a shoulder to lean on.

He is sitting at his desk, staring at the desktop wallpaper, questioning his life choices.

Ok, so maybe not his life choices, but the choices he's made in the last two hours. Sure he wanted to hug Kuroo, but Kei really isn't a huggy person. He isn't soft kind and caring. Kuroo should not be wasting his time getting over here for support- surely Bokuto-san or Kenma (Kozume-san, he reminds himself, finding he's taking over the student's familiarity for the setter) would be far more suitable. So why is Kuroo coming here again?

Shit, he thinks not for the first time. His phone is in front of him next to the keyboard, and it's staring as him, provoking him with the last received text, a confirmation of Kuroo's arrival time. Kei will go pick him up. He should be leaving any moment now, really. It's too late to back out. He knows. He can't just stop Kuroo from getting off the train, turn him around and send him back. He might not know how to be supportive, but he knows for sure that's  _not_  it.

Maybe he should put on a different jumper.

One last call to his parents and they still aren't picking up. It annoys him a little - what if it were an emergency? It totally is a low-key emergency. It's stupid though. When Akiteru had told his parents to turn off their phones when they go on one of their rare afternoons out together, Kei had approved completely. He perfectly understood the appeal - perhaps not of being alone together, but of just being alone without being able to be disturbed.

He should get going, Kuroo will arrive soon. Should he grab a coat?

It's fine though, his parents wont mind, he's sure of it. Though his mom will probably want to know for dinner. He hopes she has enough in the house. Is Akiteru's room tidied up? His brother isn't messy but sometimes when he stays over he has to leave in a hurry and leaves a bit of a trail behind him. Best check. Kei verifies the state of his brother's room and the supply of snacks in the kitchen.

He walks past a mirror and frowns at his reflection. Yeah, see, there's a stain on the left shoulder.

He's in his room and into a different sweater in minutes. Blindly he drops his phone and keys into his pockets, stops by the mirror for just a quick final check, making sure the label doesn't poke out at his neck. He's in his shoes, out of the door and on his way when his phone rings.

"Tsukishima Kei," he picks up, without even looking at the number.

It's his mom, and he's pretty sure the surprise in her voice isn't disapproval. She says it's fine, of course, but that they would be home very late, can you boys handle dinner yourselves? Of course we can, Kei answers without thinking the answer over, thanks mom. They wish each other a good evening and the phone is silent and back in his pocket, train station only just appearing on the horizon.

Can they take care of dinner though? He thinks, something dropping in his stomach. He, himself, is a disaster in the kitchen, but Kuroo has claimed to be able to cook, right? Oh, but his hand. Shit. Should he call his mom back? His feet take him onto the empty platform and start pacing up and down. No, he doesn't want to disturb their evening. They could just stop somewhere and get some ramen, then fill up on snacks. That should be good. He just hopes Kuroo can hold his own chopsticks.

And then the train is at the platform and people are dripping out and somebody stops in front of him.

"Tsukki? Are you ok?"

He lifts his eyes, his focus, tries to bring along his mood and confidence. Everything turns to dust as his eyes meet Kuroo's. They are soft, gentle, laying on a bed of dark bags with a roof of eyebrows slightly pinched in concern. That same strange feeling is back, and he can barely stop himself from pulling Kuroo against him and wrapping him up in his arms.

"Yeah, I'm fine, sorry. How are you?"

"Better." Kuroo grins and it's fragile, but it will do.

"Show me your hand", Kei insists, and is a little surprised when Kuroo barely offers up any resistance, putting out his right hand. The knuckles of his index and middle finger are scabbed over, the area around thick and purple. It does look bad, but Kei has no idea how serious it actually is. He frowns as he inspects the hand, while in the blurry background of his vision Kuroo shuffles on his spot.

"It's really not that bad," he insists again. "I can mostly move my fingers-" he curls his fingers into an open claw, and Kei doesn't miss the slight wince, "and the pain is actually rather mild."

He drops the hand and shakes his head. "C'mon, I'll fix you some ice. And you really should go to the doctor." He snaps, glaring sideways at his friend, who at least has the decency to look sheepish.

"I don't like doctors..." He mumbles, but he doesn't look terribly put out and doesn't object further. And if he walks a little closer to Tsukishima than normal, and their elbows brush several times, Kei doesn't actually mind.

\---

Tsukki is horribly bothered. His face is flushed red and the barely muffled giggles ring in his head at a volume that's far above health (and sanity) recommendations. He glares over his shoulder at the unhelpful freeloader and growls between his teeth. "If I'm doing something wrong just freaking  _tell_  me and stop  _laughing_."

Kuroo snorts and stops trying to hide how entertained he really is. Kei glares at him for the full extend of time of the student's guffaw, occasional worried glances at the pan behind him notwithstanding.

"Sorry, it's just-- I've never seen you this uncomfortable and worried about something. It's ridiculously adorable-" He break into another small burst of laughter and Tsukishima is 5 seconds away from throwing the wooden spoon at the guy's face. He halts the desire as Kuroo walks towards him, and Kei feels a strangely familiar blankness coming over him as Kuroo's face comes closer and closer.

His eyes feel heavy, like they want to close and his sight is stuck on the other man's lips. He's not really sure what's going on. There are arms around his shoulders and he's being moved around, circling around Kuroo's face, smiling with unabashed joy at him.

Then the arms are gone and Kuroo turns around, messy hair suddenly replacing thin dry lips. "Go set the table, I'll finish up here."

"But your hand-" The blond objects, brain still catching up to being removed from in front of the stove (from having that face so close to his again).

"You already did the hard part, other than chopping the vegetables I'm sure I can manage the rest." Kuroo insists, shooting a reassuring smile over his shoulder.

Kei frowns, the fog fading and revealing his lack of appreciation for the condescending attitude. He knows he's a disaster in the kitchen and that he felt incredibly uncomfortable under the scrutiny of somebody who knows better. It doesn't mean he wants to accept it though.

"Tch," is his only answer, and starts setting the table.

Dinner goes well; Kuroo is strangely competent at handling his chopsticks with his left. Turns out the bastard has some ambidextrous potential he didn't bother to inform the blond about. The food is surprisingly good too. Whenever Kuroo claims it was a team effort Tsukki glares him into silence (actually he glares him into mini bursts of laughter, but that's besides the point). Kei sends Kuroo to the couch to pick a movie when the student starts helping to tidy up, and it only takes some mild threats to get him to go. He's trying to fight it, Kei sees it, but Kuroo is exhausted, the pain in his hand draining his energy like a leech.

After everything is clean and tidily back in it's place, Kei joins Kuroo on the couch, the main menu of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie already playing on screen. The student looks at him with tired eyes, mumbles a thank you, then points at the screen. "Let's watch Jack Sparrow." He grins sleepily, and Kei doubts he'll even be awake to see Johnny Depp appear on screen.

"You do know that's not the name of the movie, right?"

"Well, then they named it wrong. It should be Jack Sparrow and the Curse of the Black Pearl."

Kei smiles and lightly slaps Kuroo against the thigh, and Kuroo smiles back.

It turns out Tsukki was only off by about 15 minutes. Kuroo does get to see the captain appear on screen, but falls asleep not long after. His head is leaning forward, his body slightly slumped towards Tsukishima and the boy is conflicted between thinking it's endearing and really stupid. He'll wake up sore and groggy. If he was that tired he should have just gone to bed directly. Should he let him sleep or should he wake him up? A long night’’s sleep in a proper bed would be better than an hour like this on the couch.

With a gentle hand shaking his shoulder, Kei wakes Kuroo up, the older teen blearily blinking his eyes, staring unseeing at the boy besides him. "You should just go to bed. You'll sleep better there."

"Hmm, no." Kuroo turns his head and buries his face into Kei's shoulder. It's a silly, childish thing to do, but Tsukki can't really fight the entertained smile that climbs onto his lips. "Can I lean on you?" Mumbles his sleepy friend, and Kei snorts in disbelief.

"Go ahead. But don't complain if you're all stiff by the end of the movie."

Kuroo huffs in reply, and his weight leans more towards Kei, cheek resting against his bony shoulder. "I didn't even miss that much." He mumbles, staring at the screen.

"I bet you'll fall asleep again before the Tortuga scene."

"I bet you're probably right."

Both won their bets and Kei thinks about how he'd never considered the idea of a shoulder to lean on quite this literally. But if it's always like this, he wonders, adjusting the ice that started to fall from Kuroo's hand, staring down at the former captain's relaxed face, he doesn't think he minds much.

\---

There's few things that annoy Kei more than falling asleep in the middle of a movie. He doesn't like it much when others do it, but he can't stand it when he does it himself. So when Kuroo's drowsiness has apparently dragged him down with him, and Tsukki wakes up to find the final scene rolling over the screen, he's pissed.

He's not sure how it happens either, that his ruined mood puts his situation in a different perspective than from before he fell asleep.

He's sprawled half over the couch, on his back, and Kuroo is sprawled half over him, his face against his chest and arm over his middle. It's warm and uncomfortable and the icepack is melted and wet against his thigh. Kuroo's injured hand is turning purplish. No, he pushes the concern aside. They are literally nestled together like a pair of lovers. It's wrong. What are they doing? This is fucking pathetic.

Kuroo groans when he's pushed away, a bit more harshly than maybe necessary, blearily trying to blink awareness into his spirit. Kei pushes the student's shoulder again and slips out, standing up, glaring furiously. Kuroo's eyes widen as he realizes what's going on, how they had been laying, how an angry, redfaced Tsukishima Kei is glaring down at him. He sits up fast, back unnaturally straight, winces only slightly when he forgets about his injury.

"Ah, uhm..." He starts, but he clearly doesn't know what to say. There's a faint blush on his cheeks and somehow that's the final drop for Tsukishima. He grabs the remote and turns the tv off, throwing it back on the table. Kuroo winces again, and his face stays slightly pained as Kei speaks. "You can sleep in my brother's room again. I'm going to go to bed."

"Tsukki—"

"Good night." And Kuroo doesn't call after him again as he walks off, up the stairs and to his room.

He's not even sure why he's so angry. It's not even that he's angry at Kuroo, not really. But this-- these casual touches and spontaneous meetings and the deep concern he feels. It's wrong, all of it. They aren't together! They haven't even talked about the fake-dating thing in ages! Did he forget it's not real? Did Kuroo? No, he knows the guy is smarter than that. It was an accident, he knows it was, but still.

Kei is confused and doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't deal well with these kind of situations.

Sleep makes him work for it that night, and he's turning and tussling long after he hears Kuroo's footsteps disappear in Akiteru's room and his parents come back home. His mind tries it's best to understand, the what's and the why's, but to no avail.

\---

In the morning he's still confused. Because of this, he's also still angry. At least he wasn't woken up by the bedhaired menace this time.

In fact, Kei's been up for a good few hours and Kuroo has yet to show his disaster of a hair. He's seen his mom throw him questionable gazes a few times, but after having confirmed the student came over, she hasn't asked more. He can see that she wants to though. He's grateful for her silence. And to be fair, he's been about to go knock on Akiteru's door four times by now. But when he thinks of Kuroo's sleeping form, clinging to him, the blush, thinks of the sudden invite and eager acceptance, thinks of that urge to hug the student... he doesn't. They have gotten too close, he finally realized. This isn't good. This was never the goal. And his alarm bells tell him to back off, to build some distance. Because this? This is bad.

And so he stays seated on the couch after breakfast, watching pointless television.

And so he refuses to get up from his desk, stubbornly focusing on his homework.

And so he mentally kicks himself when he's halfway through the room the moment he hears the door of his brother's room open. He tries to fight it, but even as he forces himself to sit back on his chair his ears are straining to catch Kuroo's movements. There's the bathroom first, then cautious steps down the stairs, some small talk with his mom, "thank you"s and "sorry"s a plenty. The last exchange sticks out though.

"Kei is in his room." His mom says, unrelated to the conversation.

"Thank you." Kuroo answers and without further reason or explanation the conversation is over. Careful footsteps climb back up the stairs, down the corridor, pausing in front of Kei's door.

Three knocks.

"Come in." Kei grumbles, hoping to hide the anxious beating of his heart and nervous jitter in his leg.

The door opens and Kuroo steps inside. Two steps, and he's barely inside the room, but he stops at this distance. "Hey. What are you doing?" The older of the two asks, aiming for casual, curious. He's done better imitations.

"Homework."

"Ah..." Out of the corner of his eyes Kei can see Kuroo fidget slightly. It's a little pitiful, and Kei feels the desire to turn around, smile, be kind and inviting. It's wrong. He's not the kind and sensitive type. He's acting strange and it's bad. He needs to cut it off before it gets any worse. So Kei stays silent, fiddling with his pencil as he pretends to think about his math homework.

"Do you need any help?" Kuroo tries again, advancing half a step in front.

"No, thanks, I know how to do it."

"Alright."

Silence stretches.

"Listen," Kuroo starts and Kei feels his heartbeat pick up speed at the strong confident tone of voice, the hint of how done he is with it too, "I'm sorry for falling asleep on you in the middle of the movie, if it made you uncomfortable or something, but do we have to be all awkward about it?"

"I'm acting normal."

"You're not normally an asshole."

At this Kei turns around, glaring at this friend. (And maybe that was his first mistake, he thinks.) "Really? Because we've been talking a couple of months, you know me perfectly now? Because we're friends, you can just expect and ask of me to act in certain ways you like or don't like?"

Kuroo's face is quick to match Kei's, angry frown all over. "You're right, clearly I don't know you all that well. What the fuck is your problem, though? Do you hate being with me this much? And you just conveniently forgot it the last times we hung out and talked?!"

A shiver runs down Kei's spine and he bristles. "Being with you? We are  _not together_ , or did you  _conveniently_  forget that too? I think this whole dating ploy is getting to your head. You have absolutely no say over me, Kuroo-san."

Kuroo's face falls, just slightly, and Kei barely catches on to it before it steels. "I suppose you're right. I suppose I best leave you to your homework then?"

"That would be good."

In a second, cold furry settles over the man's whole posture, and for a split moment Kei wonders if he'll explode, if he's throw something, kick something, punch somebody (maybe another wall). Nothing happens.

"Alright then. See you, Tsukishima-kun."

The door closes and Kuroo is gone.

Kei's heart is beating fast, his chest feeling like it'll explode from all the rumbling beneath.

This is good, he thinks.

He's starting to feel more like himself already.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And an apology to those who thought we'd get through this without drama, hahahaaaaaa .w.U


	8. After the Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kei tells himself to not care. It's fine. He was fine before Kuroo, he'll be fine again after.

Awkward and self-conscious, that's how Kei feels when he catches on to the questioning concerned looks his teammates send him. He snaps, once or twice, and people avert their eyes. But do the glances stop, do the whispers cease? Of course not. They keep strong and steady, and Kei is about to rip somebodies head off. Why is everybody being so annoying? Why are they staring? Why can't people ever just leave him alone?!

"Tsukki—"

"What?" He growls.

"Never mind." Yamaguchi backs off, hands high and frown deep. At least somebody is sensible around here.

His best friend doesn't try again, not today, and Kei walks home, alone. At home his laptop greets him with silence, as it did yesterday too. It's fine though. Distance, he's told himself before. It's a good thing. They need a break. They'll talk again soon. Kuroo can't stay mad forever. He has no reason too. He was there too, he saw the mess they'd become.

And if he thought wrong, if he somehow had started thinking in feelings and intimacy, it's not Kei's fault. It had been fake since the beginning, and was going to be fake forever.

The silence of their chat windows says he's right. Maybe it was even faker than he thought.

(The anxious tightness in his chest is not sure what it's saying. All it knows is that it doesn't like the quiet.)

\---

**Intermission**

Kuroo has always heard about it, listened to the stories, watched the movies, read the books. He secretly always laughed at the melodrama, snorted at the long descriptions of angst and heartache. He always believed, deep down in his romantic soul, that all of it would be unnecessary. That when the right person came along, somebody that he would like and that would like him back, that everything would work out. Sure, there'd be bumps, but nothing a good talk, love and consideration for each other can't solve. Bleeding souls and desperate hands were the stuff of fiction, and of those stupid enough to allow it. But nothing that can't be avoided. He'd been so sure.  
And yet here he sits, in the train back to Tokyo, head leaning against the cold windowpane, watching the world flash by, considering the painful throbs of his heart. His chest feels tight, his eyes sting but stay dry, his head spins and other such clichés. Truthfully it's the pain in his hand that hurts the most, but he doesn't stop flexing. Maybe he likes the pain. Maybe it distracts him from how stupid and pathetic he feels. Maybe it's better than thinking of all the things that could be good, but that he seems to insist on fucking up. Maybe he wants to make it worse.  
Maybe it's none of your business.

**End Intermission**

\---

The moment his eyes meet Yamaguchi's, Kei knows. He's not getting off easy another day. He's not even sure what he's getting away with, supposedly, but Yamaguchi's eyes spell confrontation and Kei is familiar enough with that look to know it's unavoidable. He wonders what he did this time.

(A nagging feeling tells him he already knows what he did. But pissing off Kuroo has nothing to do with his best friend. Besides, Kuroo pissed him off first.

He stomps the feeling down.)

It's during lunch, when they're both sitting on a bench outside, peacefully eating their bentos, that Yamaguchi talks. His voice is quiet and strangely concerned, none of the scorn and thunder expected.

"So. How are you?" It sounds so honest and frail that Kei swallows. He wants to answer as he would, wants to snort and roll his eyes, make a stingy comment. He can't. It's not the first time Yamaguchi pokes through his barriers like this. He doubts it'll be the last too. It's part of the reason they are friends for real, not just for show. Not like Kuroo is: a boyfriend (and a friend), all just for show.

How it's supposed to be.

Kei shrugs and mumbles an only slightly snappy "I'm fine. Why do you ask?".

"I heard from Kuroo-san." Is the answer he least expected, especially with such a soft gaze fixated on him, body language open and welcoming. Kei's eyes narrow, because he has no idea what this is about, but hates that look in Yamaguchi's eyes. He thinks he recognizes it, and hates that too. It's pity, isn't it?  
  
"Heard what exactly?"

"He told me that you broke up."

Tsukishima can't even deny it to himself: that stings.

It stings that Kuroo decided that their pretend-relationship wasn't worth any more of his effort. It stings that Kuroo ended things with him, without talking to him about it. It stings that Yamaguchi knows before him. It stings that Yamaguchi looks at him like he should be heartbroken.

Most of all the fact that it stings so bad stings worst of all.

Does this mean Kuroo wont talk to him again?

"Tsukki?"

He's freed from his pondering with a little jump, a caring hand on his shoulder. Somehow he's never felt this disgusting ever before. Quickly he shakes the hand off (is glad to see Yamaguchi's face doesn't falter).

"It's fine. We didn't really work out. It happens."  
  
"If you want to talk about it I'm here though."  
  
"Hmpf." Tsukishima doesn't know what to say. His thoughts are all messed up. He tries to tell himself he's offended. He tries to tell himself he's angry. He tried to tell himself it's all Kuroo's fault.

Truth is, he feels a little sad right now.

Yamaguchi doesn't pressure him further, and they stay together in silence.

\---

The green check mark next to Kuroo's Skype name seems to be laughing at him. It's laughing and pointing and yelling at him, cussing and swearing about how useless and unworthy and dumb he is.

They used to talk almost everyday.

Kei hasn't heard from Kuroo for fours days now, and it's starting to dawn on him: Kuroo doesn't want to talk to him anymore. Kuroo doesn't want to talk anymore, doesn't want to play games anymore, doesn't want to be friends anymore. Doesn't want to help him anymore.

It should have been obvious, since he'd told Yamaguchi that they'd broken up, but it still rattles Kei whenever his laptop stays quiet, when Kuroo's popping up online isn't followed by a greeting.

The thing is though, he's still not sure how he feels about this. His emotions change, sway, go from sad abstract feelings of loss to a burning hatred and indignation. Kuroo tried to manipulate him, was angry with him when he didn't change to suit him! Yamaguchi never asked him to change, to act like less of an asshole or whatever! Because that's not what real friends do. Real friends stick together without asking for things like that.

The burst of anger fades, and he's left scrolling up the last conversation they had, Kuroo's butchered sentence because he'd hurt his hand like a moron.

A moron that is none of Kei's business.

Kei tells himself to not care. It's fine. He was fine before Kuroo, he'll be fine again after. It's not like Yamaguchi will start trying to hook him up with guys now. He'll give him some time to recover, or whatever people think others should do after breaking up with imaginary boyfriends. He probably doesn't even know any gay guys to try to set him up with anyway.

Kei knows this is best.

Kuroo doesn't need him? Well.

He doesn't need Kuroo either.

\---  
  
Kei needs his team to stop sending him pitying looks.

It's annoying and frustrating and honestly, why is everybody making such a big deal out of this?! It's like they are more upset about his "break-up" than he is! Because really, Tsukishima is so over that, so ready to leave this behind him- really, he could not care less about any of it. About the relationship, the friendship. About Kuroo.

Kei doesn't care.

He doesn't!

Yamaguchi walks home with him.

The pitying glances continue and the conversation is forced. Yamaguchi keeps on avoiding any topic that could be sensitive in his understanding, hasn't even mentioned Yachi a single time in the last few days. He's honestly telling a story about a raccoon that sneaked into a cousins house when they were visiting.

Kei's patience is reaching it's limits. He is done. Done with all of this.

"-so then my uncle puts the broom away, and my sister thinks that-"

"Just stop!" He growls, low and furious, voice rumbling and biting. Yamaguchi jumps a little, takes half a step back, stares at him with wide eyes and no, Kei doesn't feel bad. He's had _enough_. "Stop acting like I am heartbroken and need to be handled with care! Stop looking at me with fucking pity!"  
  
"S-sorry Tsukki, I didn't mean to-"  
  
"And it's not just you! Why the fuck did you tell the whole team?! It's none of their fucking business!"  
  
"Tsukki..." Yamaguchi's eyes look sad and Tsukishima doesn't look away, doesn't avert to miss the pain. He dives into those globes, emerges himself into the ache. He's still him, he's still an asshole, still hated, it's still fine, this is just who he is, it's as normal-- "I didn't tell them. They figured it out themselves. You've been angry and sad the whole week. Of course they would notice that something is wrong."  
  
Kei blinks.

No.

"No! I'm angry because they keep looking at me weirdly and I sure as hell am not sad! I don't _care_! I'm _fine_!"  
  
"But you're not." Yamaguchi says, and Kei's heart skips a beat. Tadashi looks him in the eye, gaze strong and unyielding, determined and sure of himself. It's the same look he gets when he's send in to serve, when he's the one to save them from a pinch. Kei can't deny him when he's like this. Can't avert his eyes, can shrug and turn away. "You've been acting strange and angry, and it's fine to not be yourself right after a break-up, we all get it. We just all... I just hope you can start feeling better soon."  
  
It feels like his head is about to explode. Why is Yamaguchi saying this? Not himself?! This is him, this is just-- no. He's wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. (He can't be wrong, he never is, not when he looks like this.)  
  
"You just don't know what you're talking about." He bites out and ah, yes, that's it. Yamaguchi just doesn't know. That was the whole point. He doesn't know that it was fake, doesn't know that it's just pretend. Nobody knew. That's why they all think-- yes. That's right, they are just jumping to wrong conclusions because of misinformation. He's fine. He is.

"Stop worrying about me, I'm fine. I'm just the same old me."

(If he sounds off, he tells himself it's because he's getting a cold. His ears keep popping.)

(If he hears Yamaguchi's sad repeated mumble of "but you're not", he tells himself it's the wind.)

\---  
  
Kei is embarrassed to accept how bored he feels. How lonely. There's a certain sense of déja vu to the boredom, to how hard he tries to convince himself he doesn't care. He doesn't let his brain stay on it for too long. He knows, it's just time, all this time that's available again. He's been dealing with it, homework and some online games and music so loud his mom came to complain twice already. He goes to bed early too. It has been nice, he tries to tell himself.

He's been avoiding Yamaguchi. He's been avoiding the whole team as much as he can.

They've been letting him.

He wonders if any of his friendships are real.

He wonders if his idea of friendship is just wrong. If maybe it's not supposed to be somebody that's always there for you. If it's not somebody that cares and likes you, somebody that hangs out with you and who you can talk to, somebody to trust. Maybe he had the wrong expectations. Maybe this is real friendship. Cold distance and indifference. The silence of unborn conversation.

If nothing else, it's probably the kind of friendship he deserves. Maybe that's it. It's just his type of friendship, and he was stupid, he just forgot about it. Started dreaming of the rose-coloured friendships you see in movies and on TV. Mixing up reality and fiction.

Stupid thoughts, all of it.

Since when does he need friends anyway?

\---  
  
**Intermission**

It's not that Kuroo doesn't know where he went wrong. Not on this at least.   
With his parents it's complicated, because they don't understand. He understands them, he knows perfectly well why they hurt him the way they do. They don't want to cause him any pain, though they don't stop themselves from doing so. They think it's for the best. They just don't understand.  
With Tsukishima Kei it should have been easy. If only he'd know it was the other way around. Kuroo thought he knew, he thought he understood, he thought they were on the same wavelength, thinking the same things, wanting the same things. He'd thought so very wrong.   
He'd been his parents. He'd forced what he thought was right, what felt right for him. He'd had no idea about what Tsukishima wanted. Not a clue beyond the cover for unwanted set-ups. Kuroo had assumed, and he'd assumed wrong, so very wrong.  
He'd thought drama was avoidable as long as two people liked each other. He might still be right.  
It's a meager comfort. But that's alright.  
He doesn't really want comfort right now anyway. He'll allow himself to wallow in the pain just a little longer.  
Maybe he'll learn from it.

**End Intermission**

\---  
  
Yamaguchi is standing in front of the exit. He refuses to move. He looks angry.

"You've pouted long enough." He speaks, strong and steady.  
  
"I beg you pardon?" Kei raises one eyebrow, high and skeptical, looking down on the other boy.

"I said it's enough! You can be sad and angry all you want, Tsukki, but enough with the self-pity! Enough with being mean to others just because you're feeling like crap!" The freckled cheeks puff out as the boy takes a deep breath, calming a little, less anger, more preach. "A failed relationship sucks, but it's not gonna get any better if you push everybody away and isolate yourself, and it's nobodies fault, okay? So stop taking it out on others."  
  
Kei's right foot twitches, wanting to step backwards, wanting to put distance between himself and this fierce boy, the concern and care transparent through his hard words.

Truth is, it's not that Kei doesn't know. It's not that he truly believes he has no friends, that nobody cares for him, that he's meant to be alone and miserable, make others around him equally disappointed in life. It was just easier to convince himself of that, to put the blame on others than to accept it as his own. His mistakes. His failures.

Just because it's how he is, has always been, doesn't mean it's how he always should be. His personality and way of standing in the world... it's not set in stone.

He knows this.

But can he change?

Has he already?

It's scary.

"Please, Tsukki, just talk to me. You'll feel better if you do."

And here's his best friend, pleading to him. Not for himself, but for Kei's own sake, for his own happiness.

Kei's throat goes dry. He's a horrible person, but he doesn't want to be. Not towards Yamaguchi. Not toward his friend.

"I'm sorry." He mumbles, chest bloated with air that will go in but wont come out, takes takes takes and never gives back, just like him. "I'm..." He gathers himself, closes his eyes, fights the pressure, fights the filling of his chest. I got this, he tells himself. I'm alright. I got this, I can do this. I'm alright.

He exhales.

"Yamaguchi. There's- there's something I have to tell you." His eyes sting, just a little, and he prepares to tell his tale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe this whole story is actually build just around this tiny bit in which Kuroo tells Yamaguchi they broke up and Kei takes it badly? That was honestly the starting point of this fic. "Fake dating in which Tsukki will be mean and Kuroo will fake break up with him, and Tsukki will hate it." That was the beginning of it all. Did I really need 20k to get there? ... apparently so.
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos and bookmarks everybody! Especially the comments, haha! You're all so nice to me, even if I'm taking about a month for each update x'D


	9. Start a Fire Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's probably about time for him to accept it isn't just about company, about some random friendship. It's about Kuroo's. The friends he and Kuroo were.

Everybody always talks about how freeing it is to stop lying, to have the truth out in the open, the weight lifted from your shoulders. To be yourself again, without hiding.

For Tsukki there is no relief in confessing the truth.

He saw in Yamaguchi's eyes what he'd expected: disappointment, even some shame at having forced his friend into this elaborate web of lies. He also saw something he had not expected: a fierce anger, boiling just under the surface, and the back of his friend's head as he walked away.

Since Yamaguchi started dating Yachi, there have been many moments in which they were apart, stretches of time in which Tsukishima was alone when normally he'd have his freckled friend at his side. This is nothing like those moments. Not even an extended version. As the week rounds up, Tsukishima learns how much it hurts to _be_ avoided. How much it hurts to be turned a cold shoulder.

The team is confused. It's not like Yamaguchi and Tsukishima had never had an disagreement or another, but everybody could see this was different. Ennoshita keeps sending them worried glances, Nishinoya and Tanaka are loud as usual, but try to involve the two of them more. It doesn't work. Even Hinata and Kageyama seem uncomfortable with the tension in the air, but it's nothing compared to the fidgeting and shuffling of the first years.

Tsukki doesn't know what to do, so he slinks away, dodges the worried glances and friendly shoulder pats asking what's going on. He goes home, alone, without saying goodbye to anyone, and finds nothing waiting for him there either.

He's alone, truly alone, and for the first time ever this bothers him.

Time drags. It's never dragged this much before.

At least Kei's grades are beating his normal scores. Without anything else to do, what's left but to study?

He's considering dropping volleyball altogether. He still loves the sport, but something about practise has lost its shine. He's disillusioned, even more so than when...

\--

Tsukishima Akiteru is coming home this weekend, and his little brother is not sure if he's looking forward to it or not. They've had a good relationship lately, been closer than they'd been in a while. Played volleyball more often than ever before.

Kei is afraid of seeing his brother now that he is back to this old state of mind. He's been thinking so much of something he's supposed to have left behind, something that hurt his brother more than it ever did him, probably... He's afraid. Afraid of what will happen. He might hurt Akiteru again. He might give in to his own hurt.

He's afraid.

But when he's sitting at dinner with his parents and his mom tells him his brother isn't coming by after all, too busy with college and work, Kei's chest tightens up.

He calls him. His brother listens to him. About Yamaguchi, about volleyball.

Akiteru tells him he's a good kid. That he's sorry. That he's not going to lose his best friend that easily.

Kei cries. He feels a little better.

–

Anxiety is circling his veins and clenching up his chest, but Kei can't back down. He stands in front of Yamaguchi's desk, and his friend raises an eyebrow at him. He never knew the real strength of the boy before him until he was against him. He never expected him to have this much hold over him.

“Can we talk?” Kei asks, trying with all his might to keep his tone casual, to keep his weight from shifting, to keep his nerves from showing.

Yamaguchi tilts his head, just slightly, and Kei can't tell if the interest is fake or genuine. “Sure. What is it?”

He scuffles his feet and Kei hates himself for breaking so easily. “Alone?” He suggests, and Yamaguchi's face turns cold.

“Maybe later, Tsukki. Class is starting.”

As he sits down, Kei thinks he should feel broken. He doesn't. He's not going to lose Yamaguchi that easily. He's a real friend, and Kei can't give up like that.

He's never been so happy to hear that stupid nickname.

–

“Tsukishima-kun!!”

The blond boy is barely out of the door when their manager is on his heels. Yachi is in her usual rushed-to-get-to-someone disarray, slightly panting, arms spread wide, face just a little sweaty. She must've hurried through the last clean-up to come block his path.

“Yes?” He asks, a little startled. It's not like the whole team has been avoiding him, though they have been awkward and thrown off- but still, it feels like this is the first time somebody called out to him in weeks.

“I- I know youandyam-- yama--”

A sigh escaped him as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Yachi-san, please calm down. Do you want to sit down for a moment?”

Her head was halfway into a nod when she shook her head violently. “No, I'm- I'm good. This is important! Listen-- I know you and Tadashi are having a fight or something, but-- but enough is enough! The first years are all freaked out and and and the senpai don't know what to do and Tadashi's been miserable, so I'm sorry but please--” a whoosh of blonde hair and Kei backs up a little in fright at the sight of the girl's bowed back, ”please just apologize and make up!”

After taking another cautious step backwards, Tsukishima frowns. The figure before him is bowed a perfect 90 degrees and she's shaking a little. He's convinced there must be tears in her eyes. She can't help but feel a little fearful talking to him like this, even after knowing each other as long as they have? Hung out as often as they had?

His best friend's girlfriend was bowing his head to him, but she has no reason to.

“It's okay,” he says quickly, and tries for a meek reassuring smile when she cautiously catches a glimpse of his face. “I tried to talk to him yesterday, but I don't think he's ready to just yet...” Not yet ready to forgive him, that's what. Probably not ready to give him his trust again, after how long Kei lied to him.

But the girl frowns, confused for a moment, then nods and straightens out, brimming with determination. “Thank you Tsukishima-kun! Don't worry,” she raises her thumb at him and spins on her feet, trotting back to the changing room and leaving him with a fond “I'll take care of it!” before promptly disappearing out of sight.

Kei snorts. He always knew she was great, he trusts his best friend to have good taste like that, but it's still nice to be reminded of it. They may not be close, but she cares. People care about him. He'll be fine.

–

Kei is fine with sitting alone during lunch. He really is. He likes to get homework done and listen to music. Half the time he'd do that independently of Yamaguchi sitting across from him or not. And, if it were homework, Yamaguchi would join in. The fact that he's been sitting at his desk, only minimally annoyed by classmates, separate from his friend isn't bad. He doesn't hate it.

When Yamaguchi stops in front of him, stance insecure and lips pouty, Kei hesitates. “Let's have that talk.” His friend says, nodding towards the door. Kei much prefers the idea of this happening on his terms, wasn't expecting big friendship-deciding talks this lunch break. But Tsukishima Kei is not a coward. Not anymore. And he is done fucking shit up.

He nods, turns off his iPod and slides it into his back pocket as he stands. “Alright.”

It's windy and kind of cold on the rooftop, but Tsukki appreciates it. It sets a mood of change. Harshness to be overcome. His ears buzz and his feet stand as if frozen. He doesn't want to start to talk. But neither does his friend, apparently. They stand together in silence, observing their own and each other's shoes for a good couple of minutes before Yamaguchi clears his throat and Kei's eyes shoot up.

They meet, and there's a faint smile on his friend’s face.

“I'm sorry I've been distant lately... but I can't forgive you yet.”

It's like Kei's jacket is suddenly gone and the cold creeps into his flesh. Right, it wouldn't be that easy, would it? Of course not. He doesn't deserve an easy slip, does he? Yamaguchi deserves better. He should be happy and grateful he'll still take him back at all. He is! He really is. But the loneliness... He never knew it could be this heavy, this tiring.

He is so done with it.

“I'm not mad anymore that you lied to me- that you thought you had to, that I wouldn't leave you alone unless you did,” Yamaguchi kicks the floor, frustrated, and he sure as hell doesn't look like the picture of somebody that's no longer mad about the thing he's talking about. “But what you did to Kuroo... I can't let that slip.” His gaze tightens, his eyebrows clench. “You're my friend, Tsukki, but so is he and you were horrible to him! You hurt him a lot and I will not forgive you until you apologize!”

Kei's eyes make every attempt to pop out of his skull, but really, he shouldn't be this surprised. Isn't this always the thing with Yamaguchi? Kei will prepare for the worst, for whatever his friend thinks he deserves, but in the end it will always be about somebody else. That's always where his best friend's concerns are: with other people.

He feels the threat of tears and shakes his head. He doesn't deserve him, but he sure as hell isn't letting him go. Yamaguchi may not be selfish, but that doesn't mean Kei isn't going to be. Just a little.

“Did he say that? Have you been talking to him?” Because he can't imagine Kuroo caring that much. If he did, he would have talked with him about it, would have reached out, wouldn't he? Kuroo is not the type to sit back and let things unfold. If he cared that much, he would have let it be known.

“Of course not. Well, I have, sometimes. He's just been down, he tries to not show it but it's obvious. Besides, it's totally bullshit.” Yamaguchi nails a intense stare onto Kei that he doesn't know what to do with.

“What?” He asks, and damn his feet for the little shuffles that betray his nervousness. Why do they always do that?

“You may have started fake-dating, but it didn't last! It hadn't been fake for a while! And you just--!” Yamaguchi's arms are raised into the air, as if asking somebody high up above for answers to all this madness. Most likely though, he's wondering what he did to deserve being surrounded by such idiots. Slowly, Kei has come to accept he can be an idiot too. He's not sure if his friend is completely right on this front, but he probably isn't completely wrong at least...

“I'm sorry.” He grits out, eyes downcast and feeling pathetic. He needs to drop the self-pity though. It's time to start fixing this mess once and for all. “For everything.”

Yamaguchi smiles and he's so radiant it hurts Kei's eyes. “It's fine.”

And just like that, everything is better.

–

The silence from the laptop has become normal. Kei barely remembers what it was like to have people keeping him up late playing games, to keep people up until the middle of the night talking about books and movies and volleyball. He thinks people, but he means Kuroo. It's probably about time for him to accept it isn't just about company, about some random friendship. It's about Kuroo's. The friends he and Kuroo were.

It was nice, and he was a dick about it.

Is a dick about it.

If they have fun together, does it really matter if they date or are just friends? … Wait, that sounds weird. No no, the point is he needs to apologize to Kuroo. Yamaguchi is right on that. He was an asshole, and he needs to make amends. Somehow.

Maybe.

He needs help. Definitely.

There is only one person he knows and gets along with that he thinks could help him here. Only one that is closer to, and knows Kuroo better than he does.

Finger hovering over the call button, Kei is pretty sure this is a horrible, horrible idea. He's not sure why, but he trust his guts on this matter. Anything to do with Bokuto is usually a bad idea.

He doesn't have a choice though. He needs to do this.

The phone rings and rings and rings again.

Kei is convinced Bokuto forgot his phone (or doesn't want to pick up his call) when the beeping stops and he hears a distressed, “Ye-Yes-- AHFUCK--” followed by rustling and what sounds suspiciously like somebody tripping over something and making spastic attempts at not dropping their phone.

“Bokuto-san?” He asks cautiously, but gets no reply. None close to the speakers at least, because he does think he can hear somebody cursing softly in the distance.

More rustling, and finally, “Yes, I'm here, sorry, who-- Oh, Tsukki! Heyyy!”

Kei can't help the snort from escaping him. He had been worried maybe Bokuto didn't want to talk with him, was angry at him over how much of an asshole he'd been to his best bro. He'd always had a faint idea Bokuto wasn't the type to hold grudges though. Still, he is relieved at the excited greeting.

“Hello Bokuto-san. Is everything okay?”

“Huh? Oh yeah I just tripped over my laptop charger and almost pulled everything from my desk onto the floor but it's good, it's fine, nothing is broken, crisis totally averted, yap!” It sounded anything but convincing, but thinking well about it, it wouldn't really be Bokuto without an impending crisis around every corner, would it? “What's up?” The owl finishes and Tsukki figures it is best not to stall. He wouldn't want to lose his nerve.

He rushes his answer. “I need your help. I was an asshole to Kuroo and I don't know how to make it up to him.”

And after the short stream of words there is silence.

With some people silences are normal, casual distance, a moment to think and recollect. Bokuto's silences are rare and nothing like any of that. It's a clear sign something is not right.

Tsukishima's throat goes dry as the phone stays unresponsive and the hand laying in his lap is lonely, desperate to entwine fingers with its twin. Instead he holds his side and tries his best to not freak out as the line keeps soundless.

“Yeah, no.” It says finally and Kei looks at his mobile in shock for a moment.

“What?”

“No. I have decided you don't deserve him and that's final. But you're right, he's miserable, something has to be done-- OH I KNOW! What do you think Tsukki, would he wanna join me and Akaashi? We could make a threesome work, right? No wait, that's not what you call it when it's a relationship, is it? Shit, what's it called...”

“Polyamorous?” Kei suggests, confused at how fast Bokuto's tone went from angry back to excitement and questioning. The initial shock fades fast as Bokuto rants, and he has no idea what to think.

“Yes, that, we'll be a polimoral couple and we can have threesomes! I gotta ask Akaashi, but it's probably fine right? We're all hot, so it'd be extra hot!”

Despite it all, Tsukki can't keep the faint smile from his lips at Bokuto's solution and childish glee. “I don't think that would work Bokuto-san. Kuroo is too possessive to share, he wouldn't be happy.”

“Puh!” The excitement disappears in an instant, as only Bokuto can do, and he drawls on sounding a strange mix between sad and annoyed. “That's just with you, Tsukki... You hurt him real bad you know? And you better work your ass off to get him to forgive you or I won't support you and I really will snatch him away!” Pouty. That is the word Kei was looking for.

“I thought you didn't support it anyway?” He feels a smile tug at his lips, and tries his best to not let it shine through. Kuroo is lucky to have such a good friend. Even if they can't become friends again, Kuroo has great ones already. Better ones than Kei would ever be. Maybe he would be doing him a favour if he apologized without trying to fix things, kept his distance...

“Well, I know that he really wants you though.” Bokuto sighs and Kei's ears buzz at the sound of that, but maybe it's just the student leaning back into the bed. “And I just want my bro to be happy. And you too, if you're not being an asshole.”

“Thanks...” He mumbles, accepting.

Sounding like having free range to call Tsukishima names is a little too much fun to him, Bokuto continues, some of his childish happiness slipping back into his tone. “So if you realize you're being a lil shit, why haven't you made up yet?”

“He won't talk to me...” More mumbling.

“Oh.” And Bokuto must really be surprised by this, somehow, because he's back to sounding sullen and serious. “Damn... you want me to talk to him, get him to unblock your number or whatever?”

“Uhm...” A blush climbs to Tsukki's cheeks, his voice growing weak and weary. “I haven't tried calling him...”

“So he just blocked you on skype?” Kei can almost see the puzzled face that Bokuto must be making and he feels silly as he answers, “not that I know...”

“Then wait, ” there's a breath and then it's Bokuto's game voice that sounds into Kei's ear: low and dangerous. “Why the fuck are you talking to me?! Talk to him and apologize!”

“I don't know how to--”

“Tsukki, don't underestimate how angry I am at you right now that you haven't talked to him for this long while _nothing was stopping you_! He thinks you don't care at all, you've made my bro miserable! Just talk to him, you-- you-- you ass!”

And believe it or not, that's the word with which Bokuto hung up on him.

He left behind a very silent, very stupid feeling Tsukishima Kei, heart beating like crazy in his chest, hands shaking just a little, stomach twisted and turning.

What he had to do was quite simple, really.

That didn't make it any less hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was even later than usual! Well, at least Tsukki is coming out of the dump..? slowly...???  
> On that note, this story is getting close to the wrap-up! I'm thinking one or two more chapters, but only writing it will tell for sure x'D
> 
> As always, thanks so much for all the comments!! It's kinda ridiculous how many I'm getting atm, but it does make me really happy, so thank you!!


	10. Pandora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima Kei has been given the chance to fix their friendship, and it isn't that he's not happy about it. One could almost say he is thrilled. But he's also pretty sure he's the least competent person for the job.

Opening the chat window and typing an “hello” is the easy part. Pressing enter to send the message is much more difficult. Kei thought it was going to be the hardest part, but of course he was wrong. The hardest part is after, seeing the seconds and minutes pass by without an answer.

**Tsukishima Kei:** hello

And just that for a good 15 minutes. Kei stares at it, fidgeting. At some point he grabs his headphones and puts the volume to the maximum, but he never opens a new window, never minimizes the chat to do something else, to distract himself.

Maybe it's a little masochistic, but he thinks he deserves it. Is allowed a little self-deprecation.

_KurooT is typing..._

His heart skips a beat. He's torn between happiness at the knowledge that he's not being ignored, that Kuroo is not just going to block him after all, and an intense fear at what words will spill onto his screen. They are doing this, talking about it, and he deserves whatever Kuroo throws at him, he has to accept it and apologize to the best of his abilities. His heart picks back up at a ridiculous speed, and Kei has to close his eyes and take a deep breath. It's okay. He can do this.

The ping of a new message shocks him out of his short reprieve and there it is, on the screen, Kuroo's answer.

**KurooT:** Hi.

Shit, shit shit shit. Now it's Kei's turns to say something again. What should he do? Should he start off casual, small talk? Ask about college, volleyball? Or should he jump into the heavy stuff right away, get it over with, make a big deal out of it and hope Kuroo can find it in his heart to at least not hate him?

He starts typing, “How are you?” but no no, that's wrong, maybe “How have you been” instead? He'd at least be acknowledging their time apart then. No, it won't do, he can't just pretend everything is normal! But then again, their conversations rarely ever started like that anyway, it really wouldn't be normal for them. Maybe it's alright after all? But does he have the right to even ask any information of Kuroo, after having ignored him for so long?

He ignored you too, a voice in the back of his mind says, but he shakes his head. I pushed him away. He had no reason so seek me out. He repeats this to himself a couple of times, face in his hands.

Shit, how longs he been spacing out thinking it over? It's been 5 minutes since Kuroo's reply. He needs to send something. Kuroo took far longer to answer but Kei is the one that has something to make up for. He is the one that wants to have this conversation. He doesn't even know if Kuroo wants to talk to him at all.

Reply, reply!

**Tsukishima Kei:** How have you been?

It's ridiculous and completely unsatisfactory. Kei should have prepared this better in his head. Why hadn't he? Planning is supposed to be his forte. Thinking is his thing! Somewhere inside him he knows though, that no matter how much he thinks about this, it's not going to make it any better. He needs to brace himself and just do it.

**KurooT:** All right.

Is it a lie? It must be. Everybody has been telling him how Kuroo's been down and blue and all kinds of other things that don't suit him. Maybe the others have been lying to him trying to get him to talk to him? Wait, no, this is Yamaguchi and Bokuto, there is no way. So- yeah, of course Kuroo'd lie to him. Kei has lost any right to the truth from him, hasn't it? It still stings though. These short answers don't invite any continuation of conversation, and maybe Kei should just apologize and leave Kuroo alone. It's probably the best to do.

**KurooT:** Busy. You?

Kei chest swells and he would forever deny that tears spring to his eyes. It's the nerves though, he knows this. He's too high strung for any of this. But he's so ridiculously happy that Kuroo asked about him, even if it is something silly as a “how about you”.

Now the hard part though, because Kuroo can lie all he wants, and Kei needs to make sure he doesn't put too much pressure on him, but he can not lie. He has to be honest. No more postponing, not more being a chicken. He can do this.

**Tsukishima Kei** : Could be a lot bteter  
**Tsukishima Kei:** I'm sorry I was suchan ass to you  
**Tsukishima Kei:** Can we talk.?

He pushes it out and stares at his own messages. God damn it. He quickly edits the mistakes out and hopes Kuroo didn't notice, his heart beating fast behind his ribs.

A minute pass, become two, become five, become eight. His throat is dry, his blood feels like it's stilled in his veins, his eyes sting. He pushed it. He should have kept to smalltalk. Kuroo still hates him. Of course he does, he has no reason not to.

He should apologize for forcing it, log off and try again in a week or two. That's not cowardice, it's strategy. Now Kuroo knows he wants to make up, he should back off and allow him some time to think about it. It's only polite, right?

**KurooT:** All right, but not now, am at work.

**Tsukishima Kei:** work?

**KurooT:** Yes. Tomorrow?

**Tsukishima Kei:** okay

And then Kuroo was offline. Just like that.

It doesn't surprise Kei in the slightest that he stays awake until he hears birds outside that night. Sleep is really not his friend.

–

He really hopes Kuroo still wants to at least be friends. As the day drags by he thinks about it, considers his normal life with Yamaguchi as best friends and Yachi as the great girl that stole him away, before and after he started talking with Kuroo. For a while he'd been too focused on all the misery, how much being along sucked while Yamaguchi avoided him. Now that he's stopped, and is acting mostly normal again, Kei remembers. He remembers how it was before he made Kuroo his fake boyfriend, remembers how it was after, how it was when they hadn't talked for days on end, remembers how it was after he'd really accepted the friendship. Remembers the warm glow and the irresistible small smile that'd conquer him when Kuroo'd pop online with some stupid name or another and pester him about everything and something more. Remembers the concern and care he felt.

He also remembers clearly how much it'd annoyed him, how much it had scared him.

Kei can't say he has completely accepted it yet, but the more he thinks about it the more he realizes Yamaguchi was probably right. It hadn't really been a normal friendship for a while, not for Kuroo, but not for him either.

And in the moments that the day drags he wishes he'll be able to right it, somehow. He doesn't assume though, that they'd be able to pick back up at where Kei had kicked Kuroo down. That'd be ridiculous. (Somewhere he hopes, but he knows it's impossible.)

But the day had moments where it spins out of control too, clock fast forwarding and his anxiety spiking. He fucked up too bad, there is no way Kuroo would want him back, not as a fake boyfriend, not as a real one, not as a friend, probably not even as an acquaintance. He's not that forgiving, there is just now way. Kuroo will rip him to bits and spit on his remains, as he should, because Kei is garbage, Kei is scum and he doesn't deserve good things, doesn't deserve second chances.

People shouldn't give them to him.

Yamaguchi did, and that was stupid of him, because Kei is rotten and Kei is selfish and Kei will not let him get away again. He's clinging to this miracle, and he will do what he can to keep it, even if it is letting himself be cursed out by a young man kilometres away.

Kuroo knows where he lives too. He could come over, order Kei to beg for his forgiveness and not give it. And then his parents would know too, they'd know what a despicable excuse of a son they have. And Kuroo would laugh, but he'd still not be happy. He'd just hate him forever and ever. Maybe occasionally send another angry text over skype to remind him of how worthless he is, those stupid nicknames teasing Kei about a time in which he could enjoy them, a time in which they weren't meant to hurt-

And yet, yesterday Kuroo's skype name had been the most simple thing Kei had ever seen him use.

He knows he's being absurd, but he can't really stop himself.

He has a headache from how much he thinks, hopes, hates and hesitates during the day. It gets so bad the coach has him step out and take a break for fresh air in the middle of practice.

At least, he thinks, after tonight he'll know. One way or another. You never know for sure until it's happened, after all. Maybe this time his demons will be right, and Kuroo has a secret vengeful side nobody else knows of.

Tonight, he'll know.

–

**KurooT:** Hi.

**Tsukishima Kei:** hey.

**KurooT:** What did you want to talk about?

Right down to business. Kei doesn't know if this is a good thing or not- neither for the conversation itself or for him. Well, the sooner he knows what he's up against...

(It'll be alright, it'll be fine.)

**Tsukishima Kei:** about how much of an asshole I was to you  
**Tsukishima Kei** : I guess

**KurooT:** You were in your right to not want a relationship with me.

Kei's throat tightens up. What is he supposed to answer to that. He can't just say that maybe he does, after all. Can't just say that it's not Kuroo's fault but his own- it's true, but he can't bring himself to type out those kind of clichés. There not really any chance Kuroo'd take him seriously. Dammit, he needs to reply something.

Kuroo beats him to it.

**KurooT:** I shouldn't have assumed.

**Tsukishima Kei:** I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.

**KurooT:** Yes, you did.

Tears sting at the back of Kei's eyes. Shit, this is not going well.

**KurooT:** I'm not angry about that though.

**Tsukishima Kei:** what  
**Tsukishima Kei:** how can you not?

His heart is getting such a workout, he's sure that if he survives this whole ordeal, he'll never have problems handling anything else ever again. He needs to stop chewing his lips too, it's starting to hurt. Damn heart, stop tightening everything up, he needs his lungs right now and this isn't helping.

**KurooT:** As I said, you're in your right to not like me back. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, you made sure of that. But it's not why I'm angry.

**Tsukishima Kei:** What are you angry about?

_KurooT is typing..._

The three dots tease and fascinate Kei, he stares at them as if in trance. And then they stop. Pick back up, stop again.

**KurooT:** I thought you were my friend.

That line works wonders to snap Kei out of it faster than anything could, because it hurts. It physically hurts; he feels like Kuroo just slapped him in the face and punched him in the stomach at the same time. His arms fold around his body and for a moment he forgets to exhale.

He is so stupid. In all his fretting and worrying he hadn't thought about the most likely reaction: disappointment.

Defeated he leans over his arms and rests his head against the desk. He should have expected it. It made perfect sense. Why did it hurt so much more than anything he was expecting?

He feels like he's failing Kuroo all over again. Because that's what he did, more than anything else, and he hadn't even realized it.

**Tsukishima Kei:** I am your friend  
**Tsukishima Kei:** I mean, I want to be  
**Tsukishima Kei:** I'm sorry  
**Tsukishima Kei** : you're right. I'll leave you alone.

And Kei is ready, so ready to close his laptop and fall into bed, crawl under the blankets and not get up until his mom sits at his side in concern asking is he is all right. But Kuroo has different plans.

**KurooT:** Is that how you are friends with people? By leaving them alone? In that case I might have been wrong and maybe you were the best of friends instead.

**Tsukishima Kei:** I didn't mean it like that

**KurooT:** Then how did you mean it? Because all I know is that one moment you invited me over and the next you kicked me out, broke my heart, and never even talked to me again.

**Tsukishima Kei:** you didn't talk to me either

Kei regrets the sullen defensive answer as soon as he presses enter, but it's too late to take it back, Kuroo is already typing his answer. Why can't he stop fucking stuff up? It went so wel with Yamaguchi, he'd thought, just maybe, that he'd stand a chance with Kuroo too, but no, here he is, being his good old piece of shit self again. He is so sick of being like this. He digs his nail into his sides, chides himself, why can't I be better, why can't I change?

**KurooT:** You are an asshole, Tsukishima.

**Tsukishima Kei** : Yeah  
**Tsukishima Kei** : Im sorry

**KurooT** : I don't think that's good enough.  
**KurooT** : Do you really want to be friends again?

**Tsukishima Kei** : I don't have the right to

**KurooT:** Fuck that. Do you want to?

**Tsukishima Kei:** do you?

**KurooT:** Can you answer a damn question straight or not?

**Tsukishima Kei:** Sorry.  
**Tsukishima Kei:** Yeah, I do.

**KurooT:** Then do it.

**Tsukishima Kei** : how?

**KurooT:** Figure it out.

Shortly after Kuroo says a curt goodbye and logs off.

Tsukishima Kei has been given the chance to fix their friendship, and it isn't that he's not happy about it. One could almost say he is thrilled.

But he's also pretty sure he's the least competent person for the job.

–

A thing Tsukki is good at, even if he doesn't realize it himself, is change. His teammates would know best how much he's grown, improved, changed over the past year. Yamaguchi once told him, quietly, and while Kei pretended not to hear and care, that he was proud of him. It's a moment Kei has long forgotten.

The problem is that these changes go both ways: sometimes they are positive, sometimes they are negative. Kei can become so different, and then suddenly change right back into old habits. Sometimes they are small things, sometimes they were big things. Kei will only see the bad, especially when they are big. It's where a lot of his self-hatred stems from.

Kei is very good at change though. Even if it's not always easy, and not always fast. But for last three nights he got home, sat behind his computer, turned on skype and said hello to Kuroo. It cost him a lot of energy, and somewhere inside himself he hated it all, but he wouldn't fail Kuroo again; even if his reason was more selfish than not, he was going to get the former nekoma's captain friendship back.

Kuroo always responded, even if not with enthusiasm, or even if it was just to let him know he was too busy to talk.

Turned out Kuroo worked a lot. Or he was lying through his teeth, but somehow Kei doubted that.

Today the student says he's home, trying to work on an assignment, and that he can afford a little bit of distraction. It's certainly the most inviting thing he's said to him in what feels like forever, and it fill Kei with the guts to ask one of the questions he's been burning to have answered.

**Tsukishima Kei** : how come you are working so much lately?

**KurooT** : I had a bit of a disagreement with my parents.

**Tsukishima Kei** : What happened?

**KurooT:** It was weeks ago already, it doesn't matter anymore.

It's as clear a refusal to talk about something as they come- with the obvious exception of “I don't want to talk about it” or “Fuck off”, which Kei is pretty sure he would have deserved too. He knows he can't start asking personal things yet, because Kuroo doesn't trust him anymore. He has no right to know them, but that doesn't change that, despite what Kuroo thinks, Kei cares, and he really wants to know what's going on, what he missed while he was being the piece of shit he is but is trying to leave behind.

**Tsukishima Kei** : Sorry.

_KurooT is typing..._

And then Kuroo stops, and minutes crawl by. Kei has slowly started to recognize the behaviour; when Kuroo doesn't know how to respond, is probably conflicted between biting his head off and cutting him some slack, he always does this. Kei's heart picks up the pace. He never knows which one he'll get.

**KurooT:** They threatened to cut me off if I didn't get my act together, so I took them up on that, and now I need to double my income.

**Tsukishima Kei** : fuck, really? Did they want you to quit volleyball?

**KurooT** : That, and/or change study. Since I am not playing anyway and my grades were threatening to drop, why not give up on everything. I think that's their logic.

**Tsukishima Kei** : you aren't playing?  
**Tsukishima Kei:** you and Bokuto-san are not still banned are you?

**KurooT** : No, but then I had to punch a wall. Bokuto already won the last game for us. I was only cleared a few days after it.

**Tsukishima Kei** : sorry

**KurooT** : What are you even apologizing for?

**Tsukishima Kei** : just sounds like you had a really shitty month

**KurooT:** You're sorry for my shitty month?

**Tsukishima Kei** : I'm sorry for not having been here for you

**KurooT:** Who needs a light at the end of the tunnel anyway  
**KurooT:** Sorry, that was mean.  
**KurooT:** I'm trying.

**Tsukishima Kei:** it's already more than I deserve

**KurooT** : Please stop with the martyr routine.

**Tsukishima Kei:** what?

**KurooT:** Stop beating yourself up over it.

A small gentle smile lifts onto Kei features and he turns his head into his shoulder.

Kuroo really is trying, isn't he. They would be fine, right?

He's typing out a thank you to send when he gets Kuroo's next message.

**KurooT:** Just let me do that for you ;)

He erases his previous answer and huffs and puffs while typing out a new, far less polite and a lot more natural, indignant reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dammit you kids, stop making it so hard on me to give you some happiness >:c  
> Hoping just one more!! But only if these dorks decide to help me out x'D
> 
> Happy holidays people! And thank you for the ridiculous amount of support in this!


	11. Heart of Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ah- I-- I miss you!” He sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so ridiculously sorry for how painfully long it took me to finish up this goddamn chapter (and it's SMALL too??? I'm a disgrace.)

Kei is the type of person to take on responsibilities. He is objective, and he solves problems, and if he sets himself to do something, to truly go for it, no amount of bruised fingers will stop him. He's decided to make things right with Kuroo. He's decided to make things right with Yamaguchi. He's decided to start being a better version of himself. And he will do these things, come storm or high water.

The only high water he faces though are his own standards. It not his parents that side-eye him when his grades slip up a tiny bit, not even the teachers make more than passing note, not truly concerned. But his academics had gotten a boost from his self-imposed isolation, and now they were falling back, and this was unacceptable. Tsukishima thinks he hears his parents whisper concern, he thinks his teachers look at him with barely veiled disappointment.

It's not true, but Tsukki has decided he will be the best version of himself, starting right now, and slipping grades are not an improvement.

So he works hard, into the deep hours of the night, so he can set things straight, on all accounts, do right by everybody that he owes.

Truth is, he is running ragged. He hangs out with Yamaguchi quite often, and keeps pushing Kuroo to talk with him nearly everyday. He feels like he had something to make up for during practise, and works his ass off. He trains almost as much as the volleycrazy duo, and gets home exhausted almost every day. But he refuses, pointedly, to let his grades slip even the slightest bit further. He is improving himself. He is going to be better from now on. He can do this, and he will do this. Nothing- _nothing_  – is going to stop him from being the best version of himself that he can be. Nothing.

\---

It's one of those evenings. They have been happening a lot lately. Kei is not sure what it is that causes the shift, but he'll be chatting with Kuroo and all will be good and fine, and it will feel almost like the old times, and then suddenly something changes. It's nothing he can pinpoint in the words he types out or the replies he gets. No, it's something in the air. (And how can there even be anything in the air if they are half a country apart, not even close to breathing in the same oxygen?) Something changes and things will be just a tad off, a little distant, a little restricted somehow.

It doesn't make any sense at all, and Kei hates it because of that. Because there's a comfort that suddenly disappears and it happens so often and Kei yearns for it, for the way they used to talk so easily, play and tease and be mean without having to worry about the other's reactions. He worries so much nowadays, and it's exhausting. It's like he's always on edge, somewhere subconsciously, and on evenings like these it suddenly manifests itself and fills the room, the chat, his head.

He hates how the good old times were good and are now too old to get back. Something broke, and no amount of lighthearted talking about gaming can set it right. No, those things might even be part of the problem. It's all lighthearted and it's all games. The moments in which they talk about themselves, truly, are rare and far in between.

If he had to say, he wouldn't guess that Kuroo is consciously keeping a distance: Kei believed him when he said he was trying, and it stopped being Tsukishima that had to take all the initiative a while ago. And yet...

And yet.

The chat has fallen to silence, and it's not comfortable. Kei doesn't know what is wrong.  
  
He forces it. He has to. He is better now, and if stepping out of his comfort zone is what it takes, that's what he will do.

 **Tsukishima Kei** : can Bokuto-san even study at all?  
  
**KuroCat:** Well, he got into university, didn't he?  
  
**Tsukishima Kei:** I assumed it was more on the basis of his volleyball merits than anything else  
  
**KuroCat** : Not gonna deny those helped.  
**KuroCat** : But Bokuto is not that useless, you know.  
  
**Tsukishima Kei** : I don't think that  
  
**KuroCat:** Good.

Are there open wounds at ever corner? Is he walking on a field of landmines without even knowing? What is he doing wrong?

Why does the awkwardness keep blinking back at them from behind a blockade they are supposed to have conquered already?

 **Tsukishima Kei:** sorry?  
  
**KuroCat:** Why?  
  
**Tsukishima Kei:** you seem annoyed.  
  
**KuroCat:** I guess I am a little sick of people putting him down, thinking so little of him.  
  
**Tsukishima Kei** : I didn't mean to do that though. I know he has a serious side and all, even if it doesn't show up often.  
  
**KuroCat:** Hm. All right.

Kei takes a deep breath. It's been weeks. Yamaguchi has as good as forgiven him, satisfied with the apology and promise of making amends to their shared friend. Bokuto texted him randomly on a few occasions and seemed to hold no grudge. His grades are holding, mostly, even if at the cost of his sleep. But with Kuroo...

The average is things going ok, but there are too many lows like this. Too much tension, despite both of their efforts. It's tiring, and Kei wants their old relationship back. He is just... so tired of this. Of the work it takes, still, despite everything. He just wants Kuroo back. Why can't he just recover what they had?

Enough of trying. Time to take the cat out of the bag.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Kuroo?  
  
**KuroCat:** Yes?  
  
**Tsukishima Kei** : do you think we can ever get back to how we were?  
  
**KuroCat:** How do you mean?

It feels like a nasty question to ask. There is no way he is the only one feeling this tension right? Could it all just be in his head? Does Kuroo think this is normal, this dancing around each other, expecting the worst? No, there is just no way.

Nasty question, making him name it.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Our talks used to be so effortless and fun.  
  
**KuroCat:** You don't think it's fun anymore?

Kuroo can be such an asshole.

 **Tsukishima Kei** : That's not what I mean. It's just not the same anymore! Half the time it's tense and you always think the worst of what I say and I feel like I need to tiptoe around you  
  
**KuroCat:** Sorry. I'm being an asshole.

At least he realizes so himself.

 **KuroCat** : I don't think so though.

Shit, really? Could it be- no, there is just no way it's all in Kei head, there isn't!

 **Tsukishima Kei:** what?  
  
**KuroCat** : I don't think it'll ever get back to how it used to be.

“Oh.” His voice sounds strange and hollow in the vacuum of his room. It throws him off, the sudden sound of his voice, slipping out unexpectedly. It burns in the air. His stomach must be suddenly filled with lead, for how heavy it presses down on him. Disappointment. Sadness.

Mostly though, a feeling of loss.

He really lost Kuroo, didn't he.

 **KuroCat** : I was nursing a crush on you for the longest time, Tsukishima.  
**KuroCat** : I can't go back to that. I need more distance.  
**KuroCat** : We might be able to build a new friendship, but not get back what we had.

His eyes sting and his lungs must've forgotten how to intake breath because they are clearly failing. Three words spin around in Kei's head and he can't shake them off, they echo in his brain and bounce of the corners of his conscious and- shit. He is crying.

He is barely even aware of having pressed the call button. Like he'd ever want anybody to see him like this? But he doesn't turn it off, only tries his best to control his breath which is now a disaster, irregular and painfully hard and Kei is sure it's not just this, that it's stress and loneliness and too much time denying himself, but he needs to tell Kuroo this, he needs to say these words to him without delay.

Kuroo picks up and seems to sigh as his blurry image slowly solidifies with the stabilizing of their connection. “Tsukishi--” He cuts himself off, eyes bulging out of his skull as he takes in the figure on the other side of the screen. Kei barely sees it through the tears, he feels pathetic and disgusting because just that word, that name makes his heart drop further. It's wrong, it's wrong, he doesn't want it, this distance, this hint of _fake_ and _control._ He had it for real, and if he hadn't known how that was then maybe, just maybe this would have been enough, but he knows, he knows and this won't do, it just won't, because--

“Ah- I-- I miss you!” He sobs.

Kuroo looks confused and at a near loss of words, his mouth gaping, eyebrows crunching up in worry, not knowing what to say to this. Kei does his best to wipe the tears off his cheeks and his eyes from under his glasses, embarrassed at the display of vulnerability. Because Kei is strong and independent, he shouldn't be breaking down like this. What is he even trying to do? Guilt Kuroo into forgiving him? Is he that low?

No, he is a better version of himself now, he will earn the forgiveness, even if it takes him years, he will work for it! He is strong and embarrassed and pitiful and why did he even ever think this has a good idea, he doesn't deserve this, doesn't deserve all the great friends and family he has around him, he's lucky, should be counting his blessings instead of selfishly trying to take more and more and why why did he call him he shouldn't have done that he shouldn't oh god why no no he needs to apologize he needs to--

He's about to choke out an apology, his hand on the mouse to disconnect the conversation, when Kuroo's gaping mouth managed to produce sound.

It's a reluctant and a little broken “Tsukishim-” that Kei doesn't hear the rest of, because his heart clenches and new tears spring to his eyes and he doesn't even have the presence to fumble with the cursor, doesn't care to end the videocall. He slams the laptop closed, loud sobs wrecking his body and he hates himself, hates himself so much right now, but he can't do this, he just can't. He's so tired and frustrated and angry at Kuroo- but mostly at himself. He stares at his trembling hands for a while, trying to distance himself from the pointless panic that has him in it's grip, but it doesn't help.

A low whine escapes his throat and he crawls onto his bed, under the blankets, curling up and closing out the outside world, trying to focus on nothing.

It takes a while, and when he finally feels back in control of himself he is exhausted. Or rather, he finally acknowledges how exhausted he has been, for the last few days. The panic is gone, but the shame and misery are still there. Kuroo must pity him now, after such a pathetic display. So much for bettering himself, huh. He really can't do anything right. Why does he even bother...

His cellphone has been buzzing on and off for a while, but Kei doesn't quite want to leave his cocoon yet. He reaches blindly for the edge of the desk where the phone should be, and drags it into his little cave. It just stopped, and he has 5 missed calls. Just as he unlocks to see who they are from, it buzzes again, and Kuroo's name is on the screen.

Kei doesn't know if he can do this, but he supposes he should start cleaning up after himself sooner rather than later. He takes a deep breath. He is in control. Everything is fine. He will be a better version of himself. He will!

“Hm.” He picks up.

“Tsukki?”

Kei chokes, but fends off the tears. Oh gods, how he missed that, please, please don't take it away again, please let him at least keep that-- “Hm?”

“You okay?”

His throat feels dry and sore and he doesn't want to even try forming words but he doesn't want to cut himself any slack. “Yeh.” He says, but it sounds even less true than it is.

“Hey, listen, I... I'm sorry.” Kuroo's voice says over the phone, and it's soft and low and so tentative and gentle Kei feels embarrassed again, both for himself and for Kuroo.

“It's fine.” He rasps out, because it's not Kuroo's fault. Huh, he should probably say that. “It's not your fault.”

“I know, but I'm still sorry. If I hadn't... gotten ahead of myself, we could still be the friends we were and you wouldn't... have to put up with this.”

“No. I-- I'm the one that fucked that up. It, it wasn't you.”

“So 'it's not you, it's me', huh?” He sounds mildly entertained, and Kei can almost see the soft smile he'd been wearing. He snorts a little in reply.

“Like you weren't saying the same thing.” Slowly he starts relaxing under the blanket, even if he's not ready to leave it's protection yet.

“Then who is even trying to break up with who here, ha ha.” Kuroo chuckles softly from across the country, and it's just a joke, a good-natured joke. It doesn't even feel sarcastic, no biting edge to it, but Kei... doesn't like it.

“I'm not.” Kei speaks low, and he wonders if Kuroo can even hear him; if he want him to hear at all. “I never ment that... I was just afraid...”

There's silence on the other side of the line, but Kei doesn't mind. He kind of enjoys this silence, because it feels companionable, comfortable. Who'd have thought? He hadn't even truly accepted this to himself before, and now it's out, suddenly, impulsively, and Kei knows it's true.

Yamaguchi had said it. It hadn't been fake. It hadn't been real either, but it had definitely been there. And Kei had liked it. And he missed it. He didn't just miss Kuroo- he missed _them_.

“Tsukki.” Kei's eye's snap open. He wonders if he fell asleep there for a second, or just relaxed for the first time in days. (He wonders if there's a difference.) “Please don't give me hope, I- I don't think I could stay your friend if you do that to me. Not again...”

Tears still sting in Kei's eyes but he doesn't let them drop this time. “I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I... I truly want back what we had.”

“Heh, I don't see the point of fake dating now that Freckles is in the know.” The self-deprecation is clear in the tone, and it makes Kei hate himself a little. Or a lot. He imagines that's a feeling he wont be getting rid of that easily any time soon.

“Yamaguchi said it wasn't fake. And... I... I really think he was right.”

Static.

“I don't know if I can do this, Tsukki.”

“I'm serious. I am-- I will chase you.”

“Hahah-- what?”

Kei's cheeks are burning red, but he bulldozes on.

“I am going to court you. I am going to come visit you in Tokyo. And I'm going to convince you I'm for real. I'll buy you flowers.”

“Oh my god.” There's a laugh in Kuroo's voice and Kei loves the sound of it.

“I'm not gonna fuck up again.”

“You are really serious, aren't you?”

“Would I use words like 'courting' and 'flowers' if I weren't?”

“Pffft, I suppose you wouldn't.”

“So you better be prepared, because you're never gonna get rid of me again.”

“I never wanted to be rid of you to begin with, you know.”

Kei buries his blush in the mattress.

“Hm.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOR now I am calling this the end. I... kinda wanna write an epilogue? But with how inspired I've been for writing lately (= not at all) I don't wanna make any promises! But an epilogue... I think it could really use one. Don't you think?
> 
> Thanks everybody for all the support you gave me for this! And I am sorry for how long it took-- but mostly THANK YOU!
> 
> EDIT: Yap, I got ideas and I don't want to end it on this strange fluffy anticlimatic note. There needs to be awkward casual randomness, as is the theme of this fic. Epilogue it is.


	12. The Other Promise (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite everything, Kei feels calm. He's drowsy as he turns towards his right, presses his face into Kuroo's arm, and dozes off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One year, one month and 20 days later...  
> (No, not the events of this chapter, that's how long it took me to get my ass to write this damn epilogue)

Kei is staring angrily at his iPod. Why. Why does there have to be an upper limit to the volume? How measly few decibels is this even? He rolls the volume adjuster on his headphones lower and back to max, to triple check it can't go any louder. Of course it can't. But it's still not loud enough, because he can still hear his own thoughts and he seriously needs to block those fuckers out for a while. The shinkansen is scheduled to arrive in about 15 minutes. He doesn't need to start freaking out for at least another ten. Not that he needs to freak out at all. All is good. He is good. Everything is perfectly fine.

His phone whistles.

 **Kuroo:**  
> Im hr! Ill wait at sters  
> Call f u dun fnd me INSTA

Oh gods, why does he sound so excited? This is horrible.

What will they even do? (It's all planned out. Bokuto and Akaashi are coming over and they are all hanging out together and watching horrible movies and playing bad games.)

What will they even talk about? (Kuroo and Bokuto had a game yesterday, and Kei is sure there will be extensive reviews and possible dramatisations of the victory. Besides, Kei is looking into some universities around Tokyo. Kuroo could actually help him talk through some of the options, if Kei is willing to open up about it.)

This was a horrible horrible idea, why did he ever agree? (He's excited himself. He wants this.)

Why did he propose it?

Things have been better, so much better. Good even, he dare say. But they are not ready for this. He is not ready for this. He will be stepping into Kuroo's territory. What if he needs space, what if he wants to leave, what if he pisses Kuroo off, what if it's all just too much for him?

Kei takes a deep slow breath, ignoring the other people in the train throwing him dirty glares for the volume of his headphones. He is calm. He is OK. He knows Kuroo. He knows Bokuto. He knows Akaashi.

He doesn't know Tokyo, but he trust himself to find the way back to the train station if absolutely necessary, if he really he needs to leave.

He also trusts Kuroo, but that's still something he struggles with, in his moments of weakness.

But Kei wouldn't want to need to leave. He wants to have fun. He wants to hang out and enjoy the company of his friends. He just doesn't trust himself to do so.

A deep sigh escapes him and he checks the time again. There's 12 minutes till arrival, and there is no point in fighting it any longer. Internal freak-out: commence.

\---

He sees Kuroo by the stairs almost instantly, that ridiculous mop of hair that won't take shit from anybody, brushes and gravity included. Tsukishima is nervous and excited and his heart seems to be running on a treadmill at max speed because it's freaking the fuck out. Their eyes meet over the crowd, just tall enough to peak over the rest, and he thinks it'd be appropriate if this broke or healed him, but it doesn't. His heart keeps pounding away and his limbs feel shaky. Kuroo waves at him, and he sees the beginnings of a small smile, almost instantly hidden by a girl with the most ridiculous hairdo ever, and now Kei feels that change. He wants to chop off her do, maybe her head too, for stealing the sight from him.

Kei wades his way through the crowd to Kuroo, and the student smiles again, tentatively, grabs his hand and joins the mass flow of people down the stairs. Kei feels his palm turn sweaty, not sure how to react to the contact. He stays silent as Kuroo guides him out of the station, then pulls him into a side street, away from the crowded pedestrian, and lets go of his hand.

“Hey.” Kuroo says, a timid but insistent smile on his lips.

“Hi.” Tsukki answers, unable to form a smile of his own. It's the first time they've seen each other since... well, since everything. Since the cold shoulder, since the fake break-up, since the very real fall-out, since the careful reconnect. Since Kei's promise to fight for Kuroo. He's been pumping himself up for it, determined to be nice and caring and open and everything that he is normally not. Now that he's here, it's harder than he thought. Facing Kuroo again, he feels mostly shame and embarrassment.

“How was your trip? You hungry or thirsty or so?” Kuroo asks as casual as one can be, and it's tentative too. Their conversations online have been better lately, great even, but this is different. There had always been a slight difference from their interactions online to those in person, and it was like this that everything had gone to shit. It was in this way that Tsukki best fucked shit up. He can't afford to do that now. He needs to be better, he needs--

“Hey,” Kuroo says again, tilting his head and bending his knees to find Tsukishima's downcast eyes. “Chill, would you?” He smiles, and there is a shine, even if faint, in those dark eyes. “It's not all on you. No pressure, okay? We're just gonna hang out, nothing we haven't done before.”

That's it. Tsukishima's chest steps off it's freak-out, wipes off the sweat and settles down. His shoulders sag, his breath flows, the little spasms in his limbs stop.

“Thanks. Sorry.” Kei mumbles, alternatively meeting and avoiding looking into Kuroo's eyes. Finally he manages to summon a faint smile of his own. “Just. Nervous.”

“Country bumpkin in the big city, all alone for the first time? Why, I could't imagine why you would possibly feel like that.” Kuroo grins, nods his head back at the main road. “Ready to get a move on?”

Tsukki elbows him lightly in the ribs. “Not that, asshole.” And at Kuroo's raised eyebrows he adds, fighting his embarrassment, “Not only that. Now buy me a drink, I'm thirsty.”

\---

Cooking will never be an activity Kei enjoys, or is good at, for that matter. He just can't back off, let the things be. It can't be safe to just let boiling things be, right? It can't be right to just leave something sizzling over a fire without constant supervision! It's fire!

Kuroo laughs and waves him off again. “I promise you it'll be fine for a couple of minutes, the fire is on low. Who here knows how cooking works, huh?”

Kei glares at him, eyes the fire dubiously.

“I will make us watch the shittiest movies I own if you don't correct my miscreant ways. Akaashi will never forgive you... Bokuto will probably love you forever but his love is easy, you shouldn't aim that low, really. You can do better, Tsukki.”

With a deep sigh and a halfhearted grumble Kei drags himself after Kuroo into the tiny room. Kuroo has about 6 DVDs laying on the bed, and makes a grand gesture towards the titles. “I tried to get the Jurassic World one, but I am simply too much of a poor student to get a newly released thing.”

“Oh.” Kei fights a blush. Fuck, that would have been considerate. Why didn't he think of that? “That's fine, thanks, we can just watch...” He squints at a cover. “Shark...nado?... what? No, we're not watching that.”

“Let me be the best man at yours and Akaashi's wedding please.” Kuroo jokes, and Kei squirms. He knows it's just friendly banter, but it still feels uncomfortable. It's not hard to imagine this being Kuroo's way of trying to break the tension about their relationship (or lack of definition of one), but it doesn't sit well with Tsukishima either. He wishes they would just... be together, and slowly figure out what that means together. A little voice inside him says that's just the kind of romantic nonsense Kuroo would eat up, and he probably should just say that, but the very idea of speaking those words kills him with mortification. Yeah, not happening.

Kei's silent for too long, and Kuroo is too perceptive for his own good. He cough, offers an apologetic smile when their eyes meet, and quickly changes the topic, telling Kei a little about the other movies he has around, then excuses himself to check on the food.

Sitting on Kuroo's bed, fingering the soft material of the blanket, Kei wonders how this can be both so easy and so hard at the same time. The awkwardness of their friendship is gone, mostly, but that doesn't mean it's ceased to exist. No, it just elevated itself to a new level, through metamorphosis it achieved a new form. And this one is more likely to leave Tsukishima blushing than crying, which surely was a big improvement, but... still far from ideal.

“Fuck...” He mumbles into his hands.

A sharp inhale from the doorway catches his eye, and Kuroo is standing there, a forced smile on his lips. They both swallow, and they notice it from each other. Kei huffs, Kuroo snickers, and the air lightens up a little. “Sorry.” Kuroo offers, and before Kei can ask why he's apologising, Kuroo sits down on the bed next to him, close enough to touch, far enough to let them both breath. “I guess not talking about it isn't going to do either of us any favours, huh? Ahhhh, and here I was hoping to just... shit, I don't even know.”

“Sorry.” Kei offers with a small smile, not even sure what he's apologising for.

“Do you regret coming yet?” There's a deprecating tone to the students words, and it makes Kei's blood turn cold.

“No.” He replies quickly, maybe too quickly, but it doesn't matter, Kuroo's smile still shows that same self-hatred that Kei just wants to rip out of him and burn ritually. “No, it's just... not as easy yet, I guess?”

“As it was, you mean?”

Kei shrugs.

“Do you even remember the first time I visited? It was far from easy. You were almost as nervous as me, and that on your own territory. Were you seriously expecting to just come here and sprawl all over in all comfort?” He gives a little pause, then adds playfully. “Not that I mind, if you wanna sprawl, please, be my guest.”

The knock to the shoulder is expected, and there isn't even an attempt to avoid. Kuroo grins. “Seriously though, it's fine. You don't need to... pressure yourself. Don't be nicer to me than you want to, don't...” he shrugs, and is there a hint of defeat to his movements? “Don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to.”

Ah, so that is it. Kei came here, has promised to chase him, to court him, to convince him of his interest, but Kuroo was still ready to be let down. He was giving Kei the choice, the option of backing out, of... what? Staying as friends?

“What happened to 'not giving you hope' and 'I can't do this again'?” He asks, cautiously. It's stupid, but Kei isn't calmed down by the offer of a retreat. He's a little panicked, wondering if he did something wrong again, if it will somehow all come crushing down around him once more.

Kuroo shrugs, messes up his hair. “Look, Kei. I...” Tsukishima's throat closes. Only his parents call him Kei, nobody else has ever... He likes it. “I know I said those things, and it's true that it's not... easy for me, but. But I don't ever want you to feel like you need to date me to be my friend again, you know? I don't want to pressure you into something just because you want my company. You don't have to buy that, okay? Never. If we're going to... date, or something, I want it to be because we both want it to. I'm not denying it'll be hard for me, but I enjoy being your friend, and I wouldn't just... break that off. Because you don't like me that way.”

Kei's throat is dry, is fading and crumbling. Is that what Kuroo thought? Or, worse yet, is that was he himself thought? Was he just doing this because he was afraid Kuroo would leave again? Did he really want Kuroo like that, or was he just pressuring himself, maybe even subconsciously? He tries to swallow, tries to set his mind in order, but he can't.

A sad smile covers Kuroo's lips, and he pats Tsukishima on the knee as he gets up. “Think about it, okay? I know feelings aren't easy, but I'd rather not start anything that your heart isn't in, okay? Nothing has to change if you don't want it to.” Then he walks back into the kitchen part of the tiny apartment, leaving Kei alone with his thoughts.

He hates it, all of it. But what, and why? He knows Kuroo's words are sadly accurate. Their friendship couldn't survive a botched attempt at dating, and Kei definitely feels like a relationship is necessary to keep Kuroo close, but does that mean he doesn't want it? Wouldn't he get everything he wants and needs out of this relationship without adding complicated new dating things to it? Is it okay for him to push himself, and alternately, is it okay for Kuroo to deny himself? He doesn't know, and he feels tired.

There's a knock on the door right that moment, and then a rustle of keys. Of course Bokuto would have the keys to Kuroo's apartment, why is Tsukki even surprised?

He doesn't have much more time for anything: pondering, surprise, confusion. Bokuto comes in like a whirlwind and wraps Tsukki in a huge hug, swinging him around, complimenting his height, his arms, his glasses, his eyebrows for some reason? He seems so excited it should be exhausting, but it's been so long since he last seen him, it's actually strangely contagious. Kei finds himself smiling as Bokuto sets him down, which he quickly swallows to glare indignantly, but it's half assed at best. Akaashi comes in shaking his head fondly, and surprises Tsukishima by doing, well, exactly what his boyfriend has done. During their (considerably quicker) hug, Bokuto disappears into the kitchen and there's laughter and yelling and Kuroo's laugh sounds amazing. Bokuto is amazing for causing it so easily.

Akaashi thumps him on the shoulder and yells into the kitchen: “What are you feeding us today, oh great trash heap chef?” He drags Tsukishima with into the tiny kitchen and Kei has no more space in his head for anything but interacting with his friends the rest of the day.

He has a good time. Kuroo's lunch is great and extravagant and nothing like what a poor student should be able to put on the table, so Akaashi and Bokuto tell Kei all about how Kuroo's boss wanted to adopt him and had given the student all the ingredients to make a three star meal right out of the restaurants pantry upon hearing about his out-of-prefecture guest.

“It was a bonus, he said! Bonus! Like, here, have this expensive meat to feed your friends!”

“I am positive the man is trying to convince Kuroo to take over the shop. It's a ploy, I guarantee.”

Kuroo just groans and sags back on his arms, like he'd heard variants on this conversation a million times before.

Later they are all sprawled over Kuroo's couch and bed in front of his tiny television, watching some movie with car races and explosions in the desert of something (Kei may not have been paying much attention), and it's so very comfortable. It shouldn't be, because Bokuto is yelling at the screen, Akaashi is chucking popcorn at it (how can he already be eating again?) and Kuroo seems to be laughing full-time at whatever ridiculous stuff is happening on the television. And yet, it feels like forever since Kei felt this at peace, Bokuto on his left on the bed, Kuroo on his right, Akaashi having claimed the entire couch just for himself. It's warm and cosy.

The movie finishes and they put in another, a thriller, and Bokuto yells less, Kuroo laughs are softer, and Akaashi seems more focused on putting the popcorn into his mouth instead of throwing it to the floor. Despite the tension in the air from the mystery, Kei feels calm. He's drowsy as he turns towards his right, presses his face into Kuroo's arm, and dozes off.

\---

Tsukki doesn't even remember Akaashi and Bokuto leaving, though they later swear up and down that they said goodbye and that he answered.

He wakes up alone on the bed, Kuroo stretched out on the couch with his laptop, a pen between his teeth and a frown between his brows. Both disappear when Kei gets up with a groan. “Hey there, sleepyhead.”

“My mouth tastes like Bokuto crawled in there after practise without showering.” He grumbles, rubbing his head.

“Wow. That's. Graphic. And disgusting. You want a coke?” Kuroo's on his feet already, halfway to the kitchen.

“Some bleach please.”

A snicker, and then a cold plastic bottle touches his forehead. He accepts the drink and chugs it gratefully. “Better. Thanks. What time is it?”

Kuroo sits back on the couch and pokes the laptop. “Almost 6, so you have plenty of time to wake up if you want to catch the shinkansen at 8.”

Tsukishima groans and bends over to bury his face in the blanket. He doesn't just feel groggy, he feels stupid. He came all the way here to hang out with his friends, the train tickets are not cheap, and now he spent a third of his time sleeping because he'd been stressing himself out so much. Why is he such a fucking idiot?

“You okay?”

He does nothing but lift a thumbs ups; he can't face the world quit yet, especially not Kuroo.

“Do you wanna do some sightseeing, or play a game or something?”

Tsukishima shakes his head, his glasses falling off his face. He's a little surprised they didn't fall off and got squashed under him during his impromptu nap, but he'll take it. He takes a breath and forces himself back up. Kuroo's turned away, focused on something on his laptop. That faint frown is back, he's chewing lightly on his lower lip as he scrolls down something on the screen, but he doesn't look stressed or worried. He looks more relaxed than Kei had ever seen him. This is Kuroo, in his home, doing his own thing. This is Kuro as my soul, Paint me Kuroo, Men in-- no, skip that one--, the Kuroo Knight, all those other stupid nicknames he uses on skype. And he looks beautiful in the buzzing white light, his rumpled clothes, his hair not really more of a mess than usual, that intense questioning look in his eyes.

Then that gaze moves to him and takes a moment to lose it's intensity. It fades and changes to something softer, something more careful, something wishful and yet happy. “What?” He asks.

Kei feels like he wakes up a second time, shakes his head. “Nothing, sorry, just... It's nice. To be here.” He has to force it out, but is happy he does, because Kuroo smiles. Yeah. He's beautiful.

“There's a cafe don't the street that has excellent strawberry shortcake.”

Kei can only nod.

\---

They are at the train station, and it's considerably less crowded than that morning. The shinkansen will leave in 5 minutes, and Tsukishima's heart is back on it's treadmill, but he's not really sure why.

“I had fun.” He says, and wow, is that awkward or is that awkward?

Kuroo doesn't call him out on it, thank heavens. “Glad. I did too. Bokuto also insisted you have to come again. If you want to, of course.”

Tsukishima nods. “I do. Want to.”

Now Kuroo snorts, because, yeah, awkward. But that's OK. Let's up the awkward. Kei has a promise to live up to after all.

“I would want to come again, and maybe stay the night. And I do want... I do want to be. More. Than friends.”

Kuroo stares at him with wide eyes, a blush rising to his cheeks. “Are you sure? I mean, take your time, think about it, don't rus-”

Their lips meet, and it's kind of great that they are both so tall, that he doesn't need to lean up or bend down to make this happen. His mind still works, processes the heat of Kuroo close to him, the scandalised gasp he hears from elsewhere on the platform, the soft blow of the wind, but same as the first time this happened his eyes are closed, and he doesn't remember closing them.

He lift his eyelids as he pulls back, greets the wide-eyed frozen Kuroo in front of him without any doubt (but with a blush. Did he just do that, really?!).

“There.” He says.

“Oh. Okay. Thank you. Uh. What?”

Tsukishima laughs, still red, and now Kuroo is starting to match his colour. “You're welcome.”

He gets on the train and Kuroo, still dazed, makes a step to follow. “Are you sure?” He asks, and there's the beginnings of a smile on those thing lips now, and Kei kind of wants to kiss him again.

Fuck it.

He grabs the guy by his collar and pulls him in for another quick peck. He can feel the blush that was starting to recede climb back up his neck, but he doesn't even care.

“If you agree to become my boyfriend, I may even buy you flowers someday.” He sounds sarcastic, and maybe a little mean, but that's OK. Kuroo grins at him so wide it looks painful.

“So generous of you.” Kuroo mumbles against his lips. "You got yourself a deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A MASSIVE THANK YOU to EVERYBODY that read this and left kudos and ESPECIALLY to those PRECIOUS SOULS that commented! Now that this if finished (OMFG FINALLY) I am going to clean out my inbox and hopefully answers to a few of you- I have read everything but I have over 100 messages now so I won't be answering to everybody but it is SO APPRECIATED and I am SO GRATEFUL TO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!
> 
> I mean, I'm not sure I am quite satisfied with this epilogue, but my inspiration for his fic has long since left so, really, I don't think waiting any longer to finish is going to improve anything. OH WELL. My original epilogue idea was way more fluff and random and happiness, but then characters had to go and talk about serious stuff and such and threw the entire vibe of the thing off. The original plan included the following exchange, and I am sad it is no longer in, so I will treat you all to it anyway:  
> Next day they do lil sightseeing and Kuroo buys Tsukki flowers because Kei bailed out and Tsukki is like OMFGGG STAHP YOU KNOW I WASNT SERIOUS and Kuroo is like, well, have some dead plant genitals anyway, and Kei is like I am so done with your shit. Saying goodbye at trainstation Kei kisses Kuroo as he gets on. Texts him: Courting commence! And just gets back: Dude.


End file.
